Something To Look Forward To

Adelaide

2006-03-13T13:07:00.000+11:00

Went to Adelaide for a long weekend. Flew over Friday night. Took in some of Adelaide's famous Festivals on Saturday and Sunday.

Things We Saw:

'Me, Ray Charles and Sammy Davis Jr.' (If Michael Jackson did Riverdance...)

'Rash', a film/doco on the street art scene in Melbourne (yes, we flew to Adelaide to see the graffiti in Melbourne).

'Evolutionary', a semi-comic, semi-serious lecture on how life evolved from prokaryotes to Paris Hilton. Very intelligent.

'Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead', fine theatre. ("What about Eternity, then? When's it gonna end?")

'Breakin' Ground', the first half was an ok hip-hop band who were pretty good if you like that sort of thing (and even okay if you don't), but the second half (billed as breakdancing') was excellent contempary dance, influenced (I guess) by hip-hop culture, but also set to lots of different music. I don't know what the kids (and the crowd was mostly aged 15 to 18) thought of the African folk music, or the Stravinsky, but the dancing was excellent.

And Eddie Perfect. Gleefully irreverent.

On the Monday we caught the tram to Glenelg. Strolled along the beach front and got it into our heads that it would be a good day for a round of Mini-Golf (or Putt-Putt, as it's sometimes known). A helpful hint for those of you who might want to play Mini-Golf in Adelaide: There is precisely one Mini-Golf course in Adelaide. It's in West Beach - a long hike from Glenelg. It'll take you over an hour and you'll probably get sunburned.

And it's closed on Mondays.

And I don't know why Adelaide has it's reputation for crime. We were there for three days, and only saw one guy being hauled off into a divvy van, and one taxi driver running down a pedestrian.*

Other stuff:

I go back to the doctor's tomorrow morning to see the results of my x-rays and blood tests. I have all of the pains that I have mentioned before, and they are looking for rheumatoid arthritis, or seronegative arthritis, or anklyospondylitis, or whatever. I secretly hope it's anklyospondylitis. It's not the best thing to have, being destructive to your joints and all, but it just sounds cool. Anklyospondylitis. Go on, say it with me: ank-ly-o-spon-dyl-i-tis. Is there a better name for a disease?

Still haven't bought a new car, but I have at least got a new housemate. I may have called the police on her first night here to stop her boyfriend trying to break in the back door, but it's all sorted now. (Well, I didn't know who he was. Nor did I know that she couldn't work the keys in the front door and sent him over the roof to get in. At three in the morning.)

I have also discovered that ohrwurm is what you call the song that gets annoyingly stuck in your head. It's from the German, and it means, literally, 'ear-worm'.

So;
Today's Ohrwurm:
Let's Open Up a Restaurant in Sante Fe, from Rent. My Lady Friend and I saw the film the other day.

* To be fair, the taxi driver only squeezed the pedestrian gently between the front of his taxi, and the back of the taxi in front. He was okay, and the taxi driver was very apologetic. It just worried us that we had been in Adelaide for about ten minutes when this happened at the taxi rank at the airport.

UPDATE:
The x-rays and stuff came back clear, so it's probably the seronegative arthritis, but we're off to a rheumatologist to see what he says.

Australistan

2006-02-14T22:29:00.000+11:00

The debate over the RU486 drug has really gone a bit crazy.

Exhibit A: Danna Vale

"I've actually read in The Daily Telegraph where a certain imam from the Lakemba mosque actually said that Australia's going to be a Muslim nation in 50 years' time."

"I didn't believe him at the time, but you know when you actually look at the birth rates and when you look at the fact that we are aborting ourselves almost out of existence by 100,000 abortions every year - and that's on a guesstimate."

"You multiply that by 50 years - that's 5 million potential Australians we won't have."

There are several problems here.

1) "I've actually read..." means "I saw somewhere that someone who sounds important^* said it. So it must be true."

2) The subtle distinction being made between 'us' and 'them'. We are aborting ourselves... she cries - implying, of course, that 'they' aren't.

3) 100,000 abortions every year. Is that really the expected figure for the next fifty years? Or are we just fear-mongering?

4) Even if it were true, what's the big deal? Why would more Muslims be a bad thing? What exactly are you saying about Islam, Danna?

5) And this one's not entirely on the topic, but weren't there race riots in Danna Vale's electorate barely two months ago?

Exhibit B: Jackie Kelly

"Ms Jackie Kelly said the lack of babies for adoption in Australia was leading to "a trade in babies" from overseas.

She said the West was "plundering" the developing world for children. This led to social problems in the countries from which the children were removed.

"You create a trade in babies which leads to some tragic decisions for a woman overseas," Ms Kelly said.

"You've got an option of selling a kid sort of on the sly to support your own children".

The West had to look to itself to solve its problems, she said.

The West has to look to itself to solve its problems. Exactly. We shouldn't have to plunder the third world for unwanted children. We could make our own home-grown unwanted children right here. We should be stimulating our own economy in 'baby trading'. And why stop there? If we produce enough unwanted babies, we could start exporting them ourselves.

When you remember that this debate is about whether a government minister should determine if a drug is safe, or whether it should be left to an expert committee, the whole thing becomes more and more bizarre.

* No insult intended to the imam of Lakemba mosque, Sheikh Shady Alsuleiman (no puns please). If Sheikh Shady happens to be reading this, please be aware that I'm sure you are a wise person, and that your statements could easily have been made in a proper and commonsensical context. I am aware that I don't actually know what that context was. The point is, I bet Danna doesn't know either.

The song that got annoyingly stuck in my head today:
An old 'Play School' tune that goes:
Put a spot over here,
and a spot over there.
Put a spot in your ear,
and a spot in your hair...

5 weird things

2006-02-03T22:50:00.000+11:00

Alright, I got tagged ages ago, so here it is...

The rules are: The first player of the game starts with the topic, "5 weird habits about yourself". And people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits, as well as state this rule clearly. In the end you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged, and link to their web-journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog/journal that says "you have been tagged" and tell them to read yours.

5 things...

1) I once received a three-monthly phone bill for $4,969 and zero cents. I have also kept the pages and pages of correspondance between me, the phone company, and the telecommunications ombudsman - who determined that the phone company behaved badly in allowing the debt to accumulate so highly before sending me a bill, thereby absolving me from paying for the 'premium' calls (largely to psychic hotlines) that were made over those three months. I have not kept in touch with the ex-housemate that made those calls.

2) I make sound effects to everyday actions, just to liven them up every now and then. I will reach for something and say "Yoink!" when I've grabbed it. I will make creaky-hinge noises as I come through a door, and glug-glug-glug noises while pouring a drink.

3) I have fire-walked.

4) During high school, I decided to memorise pi to 50 decimal places, just to see if I could do it. Then I went and accidentally remembered 55. I can still remember the first twenty (3.14159 26535 89793 43846), and the ones from 46 to 55 (37510 58209). What the middle 25 digits are I've got no idea (except that only one of them was a zero, and that zero was preceded by a five and followed by a two).

5) Sometimes incredibly useless information gets stuck in my head and is easily recalled (like pi, above), but if you asked me on Wednesday what I did on the weekend, I'd have to stop and think really hard before I remembered what I'd actually done. It drives my Lady Friend nuts.

I wasn't going to tag anyone, but then I remembered that some people don't blog enough and need a good ~~kick up the jacksie~~ bit of inspiration. So: My Brother, my Sister-in-Law, Jellyfish, TX Alexis, and, oh, that'll do.

6) Sometimes I break the rules just for the hell of it.

The song that got annoyingly stuck in my head today:
The ovalteenies ad jingle.

Possibly the most ridiculous blogquiz ever

2006-01-17T20:44:00.000+11:00

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

Gosh. And only yesterday I was 'spank me pink'.

Happy New Year

2006-01-17T20:14:00.000+11:00

Well, I could have sworn that I blogged something last week. No? It really was the 29^th? Oh.

So, what's happened since then?

New Year's Eve

My Lady Friend and I went to a rather nifty little Japanese restaurant that's opened up around the corner. Free sake from 9 onwards - not served in glasses, but in these cute little lacquered wooden boxes which are quite tricky to drink from. Then we strolled down to the Yarra and watched the fireworks. Then experienced the wind shift to a northerly as we walked home through the Fitzroy Gardens. According to the paper, the city's temperature reached a mini-high of thirty-something ^oC at about 12.30am on New Year's Day, which didn't surprise us in the least.

My Car

It died. Snapped a camshaft on the Eastern Freeway. It has travelled it's last kilometre and gone to the great garage in the sky.

(Well, it's waiting for a wrecker to take it and crush it into a cube, but you get the drift.)

Vale Nuffi.

My Housemate

Or more to the point, my lack of housemate. Still no-one in the front room. But I'm talking to people (via email), so I should get someone in soon.

Grogblogging

Heaps of people were there - go see MrLefty or Agent Fare Evader or Governor-General Terry for more details of that night.

Birthday

I turned 30 last week. It doesn't actually bother me at all, which is strange, since I normally have a semi-crisis on my birthday that says I should have done more with my life by now and why have I wasted so much time? (For example, by the time Jimi Hendrix was my age, he'd been dead for three years.) This year, not so much. I think this is because I've finally strung together a couple of good years, so I'm happy with what I'm doing and where I'm going - despite a certain friend buying me a sympathy card instead of a birthday card. (You. Yes, you. You know who you are, and it's not that long till you're 30 too. You'll get what's coming to you, my friend, just you wait. Just. You. Wait.)

I also had dinner with family to celebrate the occasion. Post on the dinner from hell coming soon.

The song that got annoyingly stuck in my head today:
Eyes of the World, (Neil and Tim Finn).

Science, the old-school way.

2005-12-29T20:05:00.000+11:00

Occasionally, part of my job requires me to read through a scientific journal, work out what the hell they're on about, and then replicate that in our own lab.

Today was such a day.

This paper describes how oxygen gets redissolved in 'flat' water at different rates depending on the wind speed. There's not much work done in this field - why would you remove oxygen from water in order to put it back in naturally? As it turns out, we have a useful application for it, and I need to understand this particular journal article, because there aren't any others. Do not let the fact that this paper was written in 1955 bother you at all.

What does bother me is some of the short-cuts and assumptions they've used. I was becoming more worried as I read, and evidently they knew they were being a bit dodgy when they included this line:

There is, of course, a great deal of uncertainty in this finding, and the agreement may be entirely fortuitous.

For the non-technical out there, I'll translate:

We don't know where these numbers really come from, and the fact that it works is probably just dumb luck.

Ah, the good old days. You just can't do that sort of thing any more.

The song that got annoyingly stuck in my head today:
I Get A Kick Out Of You

More Tales from Foreign Lands

2005-12-21T19:12:00.000+11:00

I saw the Grand Canyon with my brother and sister-in-law on my recent trip. On the way back from there to Phoenix, we took the scenic route, via Sedona and Jerome. Jerome was quite nice, although its main attraction was that it was a ghost town, and now that they've got a thriving tourist industry, it's no longer a ghost town, which means it's no longer really a tourist destination (which, of course, will turn it back into a ghost town, which will make it a tourist attraction, which will destroy the attraction for tourists, which...)

Sedona was a resort town not far away, with plenty of the weird and alien rock formations that used to appear in Roadrunner cartoons. Toffee apples were common in some shops (it was close to halloween) but I was quite stunned at the variety of flavours that toffee apples can apparently be. Here's a sample we saw in one shop window:

Peanut Toffee Apple
Macadamia Toffee Apple
Walnut Toffee Apple
Cashew Toffee Apple
Pecan Toffee Apple
Candy Toffee Apple
Choc Peanut Toffee Apple
Caramel Toffee Apple
Mudslide Toffee Apple
Rocky Road Toffee Apple
English Toffee Toffee Apple
Choc Chip Toffee Apple
Oreo Toffee Apple
M & M Toffee Apple
Apple Pie Toffee Apple
Snowball Toffee Apple
Cheesecake Toffee Apple

The song that got annoyingly stuck in my head today:
Pineapple Head, as sung by Natalie Imbruglia on an otherwise awesome album my lady friend got me.

More Tall Tales but True

2005-12-14T20:02:00.000+11:00

Another observation from my recent Great North American Odyssey of 2005:

Whilst perusing maps of Canada, I came across an unusually named town south-west of Calgary.

Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump.

Yes. You read that right. Hyphens and all.

Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump.

I really wish I'd gone there. It's World Heritage listed and everything.

The song that got stuck in my head today:
Common People. The William Shatner version.

I need...

2005-12-09T21:09:00.000+11:00

Well, I got this off Fluffy, who got it from Quirkie (apparently).

Type in "[your name] needs" into Google, and see what you get.

Leif Needs a Bath
Leif needs to get some of my "Love Gun"
Leif needs a beach house fund
Leif needs something that has more adjustability in the short lengths than a head hair trimmer
4 parts that Leif needs - rivets, anchor, gusset plate and wind vane
Leif needs conditioning before embarking on strenuous exercise such as running
Leif needs a priest
Leif needs a different boat, a larger one, and he needs to sell Staenk, as in pronto
Leif needs a lift from Salk to Pac Hall
If LEIF needs to process either a std::string or an RWCString, it converts these to LEIF::CString before processing

With christmas around the corner, I expect to see large boats and gusset plates under my tree this year. Although I could probably pass on the "Love Gun", whatever that may be.

Injuries

2005-12-09T18:59:00.000+11:00

I felt a twinge in my calf muscle whilst climbing stairs today, and I instantly thought, "Another pain."

For the record, here is a complete (current) list of Injuries I Am Carrying:

Right big toe; bony osteophytes
Left ankle; strained ligaments
Right calf; twinge (unknown)
Left hamstring; strain
Lower back; muscle pain
Right shoulder; restricted abduction movement (Or something. I can't lift my arm up sideways.)
Neck; muscle pain (and it cracks beautifully)
Left wrist; bony osteophytes
Left middle finger; damaged ligament

Which reminds me of Jerome K Jerome:

" I remember going to the British Museum one day to read up the treatment for some slight ailment of which I had a touch--hay fever, I fancy it was. I got down the book, and read all I came to read; and then, in an unthinking moment, I idly turned the leaves, and began to indolently study diseases, generally. I forget which was the first distemper I plunged into--some fearful, devastating scourge, I know--and, before I had glanced half down the list of "premonitory symptoms," it was borne in upon me that I had fairly got it.

I sat for awhile, frozen with horror; and then, in the listlessness of despair, I again turned over the pages. I came to typhoid fever--read the symptoms--discovered that I had typhoid fever, must have had it for months without knowing it--wondered what else I had got; turned up St. Vitus's Dance--found, as I expected, that I had that too,--began to get interested in my case, and determined to sift it to the bottom, and so started alphabetically--read up ague, and learnt that I was sickening for it, and that the acute stage would commence in about another fortnight. Bright's disease, I was relieved to find, I had only in a modified form, and, so far as that was concerned, I might live for years. Cholera I had, with severe complications; and diphtheria I seemed to have been born with. I plodded conscientiously through the twenty-six letters, and the only malady I could conclude I had not got was housemaid's knee.

I felt rather hurt about this at first; it seemed somehow to be a sort of slight. Why hadn't I got housemaid's knee? Why this invidious reservation? After a while, however, less grasping feelings prevailed. I reflected that I had every other known malady in the pharmacology, and I grew less selfish, and determined to do without housemaid's knee. Gout, in its most malignant stage, it would appear, had seized me without my being aware of it; and zymosis I had evidently been suffering with from boyhood. There were no more diseases after zymosis, so I concluded there was nothing else the matter with me."

I suspect my skeletomusclar system (musculoskeletal system?) is wearing very thin. If anyone has a replacement skeletomusclar system (musculoskeletal system?), and fells inclined to go for a bit of radical, ground-breaking experimental transplant action, get in touch.

(I've talked about this with My Lady Friend. We find a spare body, and divide it between us - she gets a new digestive system, I get a new skeleton, she gets a new skin, I get extra memory, etc.)

The song that got annoyingly stuck in my head today:
A new addition to the blog here. I thought it might help me. Today's entry is Gethsemane, from Jesus Christ Superstar. Why is that stuck in my head?

Room for rent

2005-12-06T21:37:00.000+11:00

My existing housemate is moving out, so if you (or someone you know) think you can bear living with me, (and that I can bear living with you), then leave something in the comments. It's a largish bedroom in East Melbourne for $120 a week + bond + bills.

In Japan...

2005-12-02T19:15:00.000+11:00

Something from the ever-amusing comedy gold field of dodgy translations:

Inviting information of a hot snack regularly cooked.

You can buy the vendor anytime after the restaurant is cloosed. Prease try it yourself.

You have only to pull the string to get hot dish.

Tales from Winnipeg (second helping)

2005-11-29T21:28:00.000+11:00

Whilst in Winnipeg we were looking for somewhere to watch the AFL grand final. One likely place was the Billabong Bar and Bistro, an Australian themed bar in the middle of Canada. It wasn't too tacky - there were boomerangs nailed to the walls, and a few kitsch-y 70's advertising posters hung around, but pretty low-key. A TV had been set up on one side of the bar, with enough space for 50 or so people (if they really crammed in). We were early, so I viewed the beers available. VB, Carlton Cold, Crown Lager, Boag's Premium, Steinlager (which is close enough), and Coopers Red (and probably some others I don't remember - Hahn?). I asked the (Canadian) barman for the Coopers, but only if he knew how to serve it. He nodded (with a wise smile to himself), pulled out a stubby, moved slightly so as to be in full view of the entire room, and rolled the beer on the bar.

This drew baffled looks from locals (as the barman intended), leading to a long and fruitful discussion about in-bottle fermenting. I was quite impressed.

As it was, the grand final drew about 30 people. Enough room to swing a small cat. Half were other ex-pats and backpackers, and half were locals wondering what the hell the rules were.

Tall Tales but True

2005-11-19T09:30:00.000+11:00

I kept a daily journal on the recent North American Odyssey of 2005, but I was a week or so in to the trip before I really got the hang of writing down the interesting stuff. Rather than go back and fill in the interesting stories in the journal, I'll put them up here. I may even post the interesting stories from later in the trip that were recorded, if you're nice to me.

Any objections?

No?

Good.

This tale relates to the war memorial in Winnipeg. When the Manitoban founding fathers decided to get themselves a war memorial, they announced a competition open to all sculptors and architects, the winner would have his (or her) memorial built in Bruce Park and $20,000.

Several entries came in, and after much deliberation, first prize was awarded to Emmanuel Hun.

Many people objected to this choice: "We can't have a memorial built by a German," they cried.

Good point, they thought. They gave the $20,000 to Emmanuel anyway (despite being German, he had lived in Canada for years), and then announced a new competition, only open to citizens of either the Commonwealth or the US, the winner would have his (or her) memorial built in Bruce Park and $5,000.

Several entries came in, and after much deliberation, first prize was awarded to Elizabeth Stockton. A wise choice (they thought), a woman (showing how progressive we are) and also born and bred in Winnipeg.

Many people objected to this choice: "Isn't Elizabeth Stockton married to Emmanuel Hun?" they cried.

Good point again, they thought. By this stage they were getting pretty damn sick of the whole thing, and so they gave Elizabeth the $5,000, picked a second prize from the entries they already had, and rapidly built it before anyone could complain.

I thoroughly recommend the Muddy Water Walking Tour, if you're ever in Winnipeg. Quite interesting.

Back home

2005-11-15T21:14:00.000+11:00

So, I'm back home. Yes, I had a great time, thank you. Highlights included Casa Loma in Toronto, the old city in Montreal, the city walls of Quebec, the Met, MoMA and most of the rest of New York, and the Grand Canyon. It was also cool to catch up with some people: Mike, who admitted he was quite drunk when he made this extreme comment, Whitney, and her lovely boyfriend Shane (who drove from New Hampshire to New Haven just to see me - thanks guys), and my brother and sister-in-law (who gave me a look at the Phoenix zoo from the inside). I might put some pictures up if I ever get around to working out why the hard drive can't locate the scanner. I took nearly thirteen rolls worth, so there's heaps of good ones.

(Yes, I have an antique film-type camera, which apparently no longer exist in technologically advanced places, like Japan. A customs officer at Narita airport shoved aside various medicines in my carry-on bag and waved the camera at me urgently. "Where screen? Where screen?" He then closely investigated my mini-torch before a more senior customs officer told him to stop being so bloody-minded about stuff and let me go.)

Itinerary

2005-09-17T08:34:00.000+10:00

Here's roughly where I'll be for the next six weeks.

Monday 19th. Leave Melbourne
(via Tokyo and Portland)

Tuesday, 11.30-ish; arrive Vancouver.
Tuesday, 5.30; Catch train

Wednesday, over the Rockies.

Thursday, arrive Winnipeg.

Friday night, sports bar in Winnipeg to watch AFL Grand Final.

Weekend in and around Winnipeg

Monday (26th); Winnipeg to Toronto.

Friday (30th); Toronto to Montreal

A week in Montreal, but some of this time will be spent in Quebec as well.

Friday (7th); Montreal to Boston.

Weekend in Boston.

Monday (10th); New York City.

Now I leave NYC on Wednesday the 19th, but I would like to get to Washington for a couple of days at least. It's all a bit flexible here.

Wednesday (19th); NYC to Phoenix.

And I'll be spending time in Phoenix with my brother. There were some grand plans to see the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas, but we'll have to see how we go.

Friday 28th; Depart LA.

Sunday 30th; Arrive Melbourne.

Monday 31st; Call in sick at work.

Ouch

2005-09-11T22:35:00.000+10:00

Sorry about lack of posting, it's been a bit of a stressful week. I've been trying to finalise holiday stuff (I fly out next Monday), tie up a stack of loose ends at work before I leave for six weeks, and prepare for the preliminary final against Altona (we went down 3-2 and I'm not talking about it).

Worst of all, Dad got put in hospital on Monday, with a compound fracture of the leg.

He was up on the roof cleaning some of the boards around the back of the side deck (behind the chimney). The ladder collapsed from under him when he stepped on it. He did this while Mum was out - so he had to use the other ladder as a sort of walking frame to slowly drag himself inside the house, through the mezzanine, up the stairs to the lounge, and across to the phone to call Mum - who came home and instantly called an ambulance. Bones sticking through skin are generally not good news. He went to Leongatha hospital, where x-rays showed a swirl break in the tibia (near the ankle) and another break in the fibula (near the knee). They set things straight at Leongatha, but it needed surgery, and there's no orthopaedic surgeon in Leongatha. There was an orthopaedic surgeon in Traralgon, but no bed for him there. Same at Monash, and the reverse at Dandenong. Eventually they found both a bed and an orthopaedic surgeon at the Alfred hospital, where they operated at least ten hours after he'd broken it. They open up the leg near the kneecap, drill a hole all the way down the tibia, and drop a titanium rod down the length of the bone. A couple of screws to hold it in place, and you're done.

They also wanted to assist the healing process by putting him in a hyperbaric chamber, so he casually asked the doctors if he would be allowed to have a smoke while he was in there.

Precisely one of the eight doctors got the joke.

Ultimately he failed in the hyperbaric chamber after his ears started to implode when they'd only got to 20% of the normal operating pressure.

A second operation was required a week later, as it had got infected, and they needed to drain the wound of whatever junk was holding up the swelling, and he's now hooked up to a pump that continually sucks the stuff out of the leg, keeps him awake at nights, and prevents him from sneaking out the back door with the guy in the next bed (skiing accident) for a cigarette.

So, I'm very worried about him. These things don't heal so quick when your in your 50's. Although he could quite easily have broken a pelvis instead, which means he would have been lying out there till Mum had got home, and the internal bleeding could have well and truly got him by then. We will have stern words to him about what he is and isn't allowed to do on his own from now on. Again.

I just want him home before I leave. That's all.

New Orleans II

2005-09-06T00:14:00.000+10:00

Well, I seem to have fired up a few of my readers.

anonymous said...

You probably didn't even do the research yourself. I'm sure you found all that somewhere else

Well, yes, anonymous (if that is your real name). I did find it all somewhere else. When I researched it.

Many of you, however, have missed the point.

anonymous said...

... How would anybody be prepared for something so unsuspected? ...

w may said...

How do you prepare for a storm that causes this much damage?

anonymous said...

No one ... can be prepared for the forces of Mother Nature.

It's as though you're all surprised that this has happened. And this was the point I was making. There are plenty of hurricanes that happen every hurricane season. A whole season of them, even. It's a matter of time before one hits a major metropolis. This was always going to happen. And it will certainly happen again. One of these days a category 5 storm will take out New Orleans. Or Miami. Or anywhere.

Scientific American, October, 2001.

A major hurricane could swamp New Orleans under 20 feet of water, killing thousands. Human activities along the Mississippi River have dramatically increased the risk, and now only massive reengineering of southeastern Louisiana can save the city.

If a big, slow-moving hurricane crossed the Gulf of Mexico on the right track, it would drive a sea surge that would drown New Orleans under 20 feet of water.

New Orleans is a disaster waiting to happen. The city lies below sea level, in a bowl bordered by levees that fend off Lake Pontchartrain to the north and the Mississippi River to the south and west.

Scientists at Louisiana State University (L.S.U.), who have modeled hundreds of possible storm tracks on advanced computers, predict that more than 100,000 people could die.

Minutes of a presentation by Dr Kevin Robbins, Director, Southern Regional Climate Center, "How much wind and rainfall could we get?"

He showed a slide demonstrating the tracks of the six major (Category 3 or above) Louisiana storms to make landfall over the past 50 years, which included Audrey (1957, Cat 4); Hilda (1964, Cat 3); Betsy (1965, Cat 3); Camille (1969, Cat 5); Carmen (1974, Cat 3); and Andrew (1992, Cat 3). As evidenced from the tracks of these six major storms, Dr. Robbins pointed out that New Orleans has not sustained a direct hit, but has had quite a few narrow misses.

...

Dr. Robbins summarized the following in regards to wind potential, focusing on the New Orleans study area:
• The Gulf Coast is an active region in terms of storm intensity and frequency;
• Fortunately, storms dissipate rather quickly as they move inland, and Louisiana’s most populated cities are located inland;
• Storm track has a major influence on wind intensity for New Orleans (Consider Betsy versus Andrew) and overall storm effects in major cities; and
• New Orleans is in a prime location for being ‘hit’ by a major hurricane
...

Dr. Robbins summarized rainfall potential for the New Orleans study area in the following way:
• Historical data on tropical storms and hurricanes demonstrate that 15-20 inches of rainfall is not uncommon;
• Time distribution of the rainfall, moisture, storm surge prior to a rainfall event, levee systems surrounding cities, and conditions before a storm are all important factors in determining rainfall estimates;
• Flooding in New Orleans from a major tropical storm is a disaster waiting to happen, due to the unique characteristics of the area (e.g. areas below sea level in a flood prone area, levee system “bowl,” etc.) Combining factors such as storm surge with rainfall will create major problems, with nowhere for the water to drain.

National Geographic, October, 2004.

The chances of such a storm hitting New Orleans in any given year are slight, but the danger is growing. Climatologists predict that powerful storms may occur more frequently this century, while rising sea level from global warming is putting low-lying coasts at greater risk. "It's not if it will happen," says University of New Orleans geologist Shea Penland. "It's when."

Center for the Study of Public Health Impacts of Hurricanes, Louisiana State University, 2003(?)

Categorized by the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) as one of the top three “likeliest, most catastrophic disasters facing this country,” a major hurricane striking the city of New Orleans has been an impending disaster on FEMA's radar since at least 2001.

I'm not poking fun at all, as some unkind people have suggested. I'm as serious about this as the next person. I'm certainly not taking a holiday, practising my back-hand and shoe-shopping. I'm completely staggered that this sort of thing is allowed to just happen, while everyone throws their arms in the air and says that we couldn't have done anything.

We could have, perhaps, reinforced the levees.

For the first time in 37 years, federal budget cuts have all but stopped major work on the New Orleans area's east bank hurricane levees, a complex network of concrete walls, metal gates and giant earthen berms that won't be finished for at least another decade.

We could have had an evacuation plan.

And the evacuation was little more than a vague order to get the hell out -- under your own power and at your own expense. If you have, at your immediate disposal, reliable transportation, money for gas, and either distant family OR money for shelter, then this isn't a big deal. Of course you leave. You pack up everything you can and you head for higher ground. But it is somewhat less easy to do if you are lacking any one of these things, AND you have been informed that what little earthly lot you may claim is about to be destroyed. Do you hang on and try to save what you can? Do you let it go and return to less than nothing?

What the hell do you do?

We could have stuck to the original plan.

For example, in the 1990s, in planning for a New Orleans nightmare scenario, the federal government figured it would pre-deploy nearby ships with pumps to remove water from the below-sea-level city and have hospital ships nearby, said James Lee Witt, who was FEMA director under President Clinton.

Federal officials said a hospital ship would leave from Baltimore on Friday.

Et cetera. So much that could have been done by all levels of government. I'm not just attacking Bush here. This is the result of a systematic failure to prepare for disaster.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Research greatly assisted by Mr Lefty, Tim Dunlop, and Barista.

New Orleans

2005-09-04T12:14:00.000+10:00

How many other people find it astounding that the US was completely unprepared for a basic hurricane.

Yes, a basic hurricane. This is something that has happened before, and will happen again. Katrina was a category 4 storm. These are quite common. Hurricanes Gilbert (Carribean, 1988), Andrew (Florida, 1992), and Iris (Belize, 2001) were all category 5 storms. During 2004, Hurricanes Charley (Florida), Frances (Bahamas), Ivan (Granada), and Jeanne (Haiti) were all storms that reached category 4 or 5.

So, three or four major hurricanes hit the region every year. We've seen the devastation that nature can cause time and time again. Hurricanes. Earthquakes. Tsunamis.

And the US is still unprepared for a basic natural disaster.

If I were living on a fault line in San Francisco, I'd be asking some serious questions. Or moving. You're clearly not ready.

Concussion

2005-09-04T11:35:00.000+10:00

We lost the semi-final. 3-1. We deserved to lose since we didn't play anywhere near as good as we know we can. I played all right, up until I got shouldered in the head and woke up flat on my back, blinking my way out of darkness and trying to see if I was bleeding anywhere. We were 2-1 down at that point, with only 90 seconds left to play. Footscray got a final breakaway goal after Mentone pushed the whole team forward, desperately trying to get an equaliser, so the game was a lot closer than the result might suggest. Both sides missed several opportunities.

Still, it's good to know that we only just lost, and if we lift a bit, I'm sure we'll beat them in two weeks time. I'm not worried about the preliminary next week - we beat Altona comfortably during the season - with Altona providing the umpires, so a good fair game shouldn't be a problem for us. Over-confidence? Perhaps a little.

Still sick

2005-08-30T22:08:00.000+10:00

I'm slowly getting better, but not fast enough. I mean, at least I'm eating again, and the fever of 39.2^o has settled down. But I'm still coughing, as though I've got just one piece of phlegm in my lungs, and I've almost got it out.

I tried to go to hockey training tonight. I jogged a lap to warm up, and by the end of it the coughing had got so bad that I immediately went in and got changed and took no further part in the action. And it's a semi-final on this Saturday.

I have 5 days to get healthy.

Smitten with Lurgy

2005-08-23T15:27:00.000+10:00

I have the flu. An odd kind of flu. A small headache, but nothing too severe. A scratchy throat, with a lot of dryness. A stomach that feels a bit queasy from time to time. The nose goes a little snuffly occasionally. Individually, nothing to complain about, but it's all very tiring.

Every so often I get a warning sign: My saliva goes suddenly very thin and watery, and then its time to get up and rush to the bathroom to throw up whatever it was I managed to eat three hours ago.

I'm choosing meals quite carefully. There's a peculiar kind of despair in fixing yourself a meal that you know is going to come right back in three hours time.

Oh, woe is me.

What's the most awful sound in the world?

2005-08-20T22:01:00.000+10:00

So, I was coaching my under 17s. I coach a junior hockey side, for those who are relatively new to this blog. It's a mixed team - there's about 8 boys and 6 girls. There's a mix of skill across this group - some of them have a lot of potential - others, well, they try their hardest, and that's all I ask of them.

One girl, let's call her Cassie, is an absolute treasure. By far the smallest member of the team, she might not be the most talented, but she's done quite well in her first year of hockey, and she keeps a positive attitude at all times. I've taught her how to play right wing. One of the jobs of a right wing is to place yourself near the right goalpost when someone else is shooting for goal - if the shot strays a little, you just deflect it in. Cassie has picked up a couple of goals this season in exactly that fashion, and it's quite inspiring to see her confidence increase after she gets one. Those are the moments when I remember how good it is to coach these kids.

Last Friday Cassie gets herself into a perfect position on the post, just as one of the boys was lining up a little recklessly. The shot, naturally, went astray, going not just to the right, but also up in the air.

The most awful sound in the world is the combined sound of bone going crunch and gristle going squish. For several long gut-wrenching moments I thought she'd lost an eye.

I got there first and gently pulled her hands away from her face in order to see the damage. A splurge of blood came out, and she cried that she had broken her nose. Is it strange to say I felt relieved at that point? Noses, you see, heal quite well. Eyes are a bit less reparable.

She was ambulanced from the ground to the emergency department at Monash hospital, and I got on with the task of settling down the rest of the team, who were so traumatised that they ended up playing their best hockey of the season, very nearly pulling off an upset victory over a team that has only lost two games this year. It was only a lucky breakaway goal in the dying seconds that saved the game for them, and we went down 3-2.

Cassie took no part in the game at all. She'd been hit during the warm-up.

I ducked in to Monash after the game, and Cassie was stretched out in paediatrics, neck brace and all, unable to see anything except the ceiling. She asked who it was, and I told her. She immediately said, in a cute small-girl-y voice, "Sorry I couldn't make the game, Leif. I got a bit stuck here."

She has broken a small bone in her nose, and the top of her cheekbone, but there is no permanent damage. I'm confident that she'll be back next year, swooping in on that right post. Although she might be ducking a little quicker.

Mystery of the week

2005-08-09T21:27:00.000+10:00

Found

One photo. Wallet size (approx 6cm by 8cm). Depicts a young couple. Him on the right, short hair (shaved at sides), seated, wearing black tux, white gloves, pink rose in buttonhole and black bowtie slightly askew. Her on the left, standing but leaning in to him with one arm around his shoulders, white wedding dress, long red curly hair (quite stunning), white gloves to elbow, string of pearls(?) around right wrist, right hand holding pink rose bouquet (matching the buttonhole). The background is that mottley brown-y thing used by professional photograsphers as a background, so no other clues there. Written on the back in big round letters:

-94-
To Leightypoo,
I will always
love you no matter
what. I will always
clench my fist when
someone looks at
you. Your beautiful
& I hope everything
works out for
you. Love.
Tashiepoo!

If only my scanner was working, you'd be able to see how that last exclamation mark doesn't end in a dot, but a heart. (Awwww.)

Why is this lying on a footpath in East Melbourne? Who are Leightypoo and Tashiepoo? Does anyone want this photo back?

Until I hear from either Leightypoo or Tashiepoo I have myself a new bookmark.

Some driving terminology

2005-07-31T19:03:00.000+10:00

Is there a word that describes the sense of relief you feel when you dodgily run an amber light, and then see in your rear-view mirror that another car has come through the intersection behind you?

Conversely, is there a word for the sudden panic that overcomes you when you decide to dodgily run an amber light, and just as you press down on the pedal, the car in front brakes?

Help me plan my trip 2

2005-07-28T19:31:00.000+10:00

Another travel related dilemma, this one courtesy of my sister-in-law, who has got a great job as a marine zoologist in the middle of a desert. True.
So, I need to get to Phoenix. I was planning, after New York, to fly to Vancouver, see that for three days, then fly to Tokyo (another three days), and then back home. I've even bought a non-refundable flight (New York to Vancouver, 21st October).

So, do I...

a) move the Vancouver flight to the 17th (cost of changing dates, $60), and then fly to Phoenix on the 21st (cost of Vancouver to Phoenix flight, $342), and fly straight home from LA on the 28th?

or

b) forfeit the New York to Vancouver flight, enjoy my time in New York (and surrounds) instead of rushing it, fly New York to Phoenix on the 21st (cost of New York to Phoenix flight, $300), and then go straight home from LA on the 28th?

If there were any way of transferring the New York to Vancouver ticket, it'd be a no-brainer. I'm leaning towards (b) anyway, since the first half of the trip (right across Canada in two and a half weeks) is a bit rushed, and I'd prefer some unwinding time in the middle of the trip. The New York to Vancouver flight also leaves at 7.45 in the morning, a time that I don't really believe actually exists. Still, it's hard to give up something that cost just over $300.

Heffalumps

2005-07-23T13:03:00.000+10:00

Buried in the middle sections of the paper has been the ongoing saga of the endangered Asian elephants being brought to Australia. Eight endangered Asian elephants have spent nine months in quarantine in Thailand, and on Thursday the environment minister Senator Ian Campbell announced they would be allowed into Australia:

"Here is a chance for Australia to make a difference and the zoo's program can make a difference here."

Three elephants are headed for Melbourne Zoo, and five for Taronga Zoo in Sydney, which has recently spent $14 million to provide facilities to operate their breeding program.

The RSPCA (and its president, Dr Hugh Wirth) are against the plan. And I agree with them. Let eight endangered Asian elephants into the country, and sooner or later we'll be flooded with them. Leaky boats full of endangered Asian elephants will be arriving on our shores before you can say "pull up the drawbridge", all claiming that endangered Asian elephants are under threat in their homelands and throwing their baby endangered Asian elephant calves overboard. WE DECIDE WHAT ENDANGERED ASIAN ELEPHANTS ARRIVE IN THIS COUNTRY, AND THE CIRCUMSTANCES UNDER WHICH THEY COME.

On a more serious note the dilemma seems to stem from the conflicting statements made by Senator Campbell:

"I am convinced that the conservation program can work ... it will mean the life or death of this entire species. The alternative is to turn our back and I don't think Australians want that."

And Dr Wirth:

"There is sufficient research done in Europe to say elephants confined to zoos do not do well, their longevity is impaired and also they don't breed particularly well."

...

"Scientific evidence has clearly demonstrated that elephants in zoos breed poorly, suffer myriad health problems - including serious foot and joint complaints - and die at a younger age than even those in camps."

"Keeping elephants in zoos is simply cruel. This plan places the welfare of these precious animals at risk and we will fight it to the very end."

Dr Wirth also makes the point that Werribee or Dubbo Open Plains Zoos would be better options for the breeding programs in Australia, and breeding programs in their native land would be better still.

"This whole project should have taken place in Thailand, which is the area where these elephants are indigenous to," he told the Nine network.

"It didn't require all that money being spent in either Tooronga or Melbourne for a captive breeding program.

"The program should have taken place in the home of those elephants."

Help me plan my trip

2005-07-13T21:03:00.000+10:00

Some questions that I'm hoping suitably qualified people might help me out with regarding my upcoming holiday...

How far by bus/train is it from Toronto to Ottawa? Ottawa to Montreal? Montreal to Quebec?

Why is Thanksgiving on a completely different day in Canada?

How much of a city closes down for Thanksgiving?

Is it better to spend aforementioned Thanksgiving in Montreal or Quebec?

Why does Winnipeg only rate half a page in the Lonely Planet "usa and canada on a shoestring" guide?

Is there an overnight bus from Montreal to Boston?

How do I best divide ten days between Boston, New York and Washington?

What if I need to spend one day in Delaware? (It's a work thing.)

Is it easy to get to Victoria from Vancouver?

Why is Narita airport 90 minutes from Tokyo? Don't they have those bullet trains?

Is there anywhere cheap to stay in Tokyo (or just outside of Tokyo)?

And any other info would be gratefully received.

Things that have depressed me lately

2005-07-12T22:05:00.000+10:00

In no particular order...

Cortisone injections

Take one impinged shoulder muscle, give it some inflammation for 6 months, add one syringe-happy rheumatologist, one needle and 10mL cortisone. Mix well. Apply band-aid to taste.

The twist of the knife
Now it seems that the muscle isn't just impinged, it's downright torn. ('Impingement' is to 'torn' as 'bruising' is to 'broken bone')

Timing belts

My '84 Honda Civic just cut out on a cold night coming home late from work. So I'm cruising along the Eastern Freeway with no control. A short tow later, and I leave my car to the tender mercies of those who know things about timing belts.

The twist of the knife
Timing belts that snap while the engine is running generally take out most of your valves as well. That will be $1400 thanks. Please come again.

Working on weekends
Helpful tip to all potential clients who want their work completed by us within one business day, rather than the usual five: Do not time it so the work order appears at 4.30pm Friday afternoon. We have to either hang round late on Friday night when we'd rather have dinner with some friends, or work at some point on the weekend. Neither option is pleasant.

The twist of the knife
It's very difficult to get to work on the weekend when your car has no timing belt and a fistful of bent valves.

I so need a holiday.

Anglesea

2005-07-04T18:44:00.000+10:00

I haven't blogged in ages as there's been little interesting going on that you couldn't read about elsewhere in the blogosphere. However, I have just returned from a weekend away with My Lady Friend and Mrs and Mr Lefty. And so many things jumped out at me to be blogged about that I should have been taken notes. Still, memory is a wonderful thing, and I present the following amusing tidbits:

The Life Style Funeral Home that we passed in Geelong. Better late than never, I suppose.

The sign in the Anglesea beachfront park which said something very close to: "Consumption of alcohol, skateboards and rollerblades are prohibited in this reserve." Which meant, of course, that we had to eat our inline skate sandwiches elsewhere.

Some notes on married bliss. I see from extreme tracker that some of you reach my blog from Mr Lefty's. For those of you who believe that he and Mrs Lefty are on their way to the modern Australian version of "happily ever after", follow me closely here. We were playing pictionary, and I was trying to guess My Lady Friend's drawing of (ironically) "happy couple". Two people, smily faces, holding hands. I had said "happy," and then "couple," but is that the same as the phrase "happy couple"? Mrs Lefty said yes. Mr Lefty said no. A furious argument broke out while we sat stunned.

Now this is fine. Ish. A normal argument.

They then resolved (actually Mrs Lefty proposed to resolve) to break this deadlock with a quick round of Rock Paper Scissors - best of three.

And they argued about how to play Rock Paper Scissors.

We left the room at that point.

Fleabag

2005-06-23T20:25:00.000+10:00

My Baby Brother* in Michigan has got himself a blog. Check out his run in with the police. And all of his other stories.

* 'Baby' in the sense that he is five and a half years younger than me. He is also two inches taller and a good 30-odd kilos heavier. "Fleabag" was a nickname I gave him when younger, since he was my 'pet' brother. It was funny back then.

Censorship

2005-06-14T22:46:00.000+10:00

This probably comes as no surprise to you, but any radical young Chinese person who wishes to start up one of these blog things may find it a little difficult. Censorship, you see...

... words such as "freedom", "democracy" and "demonstration" are being blocked.
Also being restricted ... are journal entries that mention "human rights" and "Taiwan independence".

"Intolerable restrictions!" you might cry. "Shame on the Chinese government!"

Except it's not just the government doing the blocking.

And arguments like "If you want to deal with the Chinese, you have to deal with their rules," sound awfully like "We're just following orders."

Grogblogging II

2005-06-14T22:44:00.000+10:00

Friday 17th June

Dinner at 7.30pm at Zaleti's.

Drinks at 3 degrees thereafter.

Be there.

It's all her fault, I tell you...

2005-06-09T21:54:00.000+10:00

My Lady Friend came over last night. We did the lazy things that you do midweek; talked about our various escapades at work that day, read the paper, curled up in front of the TV watching 'Spicks and Specks'. That sort of thing.

At about nine, she suddenly jumps up and says, "Let's get chocolate." By which she means let's uncurl from the comfy couch, leave the heated lounge room, walk uphill all the way to the supermarket, and then uphill all the way back, all for a Snickers and a Flake deluxe. "Great!" I say, knowing that she hates it when I grumble about having to do things she wants to do. I grab my wallet from the lounge room table, where it sat after I paid for the pizza, and my phone from next to the couch, so the pizza guy could ring me when he arrived. You'll note that these items are not in their usual location. She asked "Have you got your keys?" as I grabbed an extra jacket to protect me from Melbourne's winter (which was actually fairly mild last night). Halfway to the supermarket, I shoved my hands in my pockets, and I realise something.

Because some items were not in their usual location - beside the bed - I didn't go there as I normally would. I have an empty ice-cream container next to my bed which holds important small-ish items that I might need. At the bottom sits my passport, some cufflinks, a rusty pocket knife, a bankbook dating back decades, some panadol, another pocket knife and so on. On the top sits my watch, wallet, mobile phone and my housekeys.

Yup. We were locked out.

Clearly, of course, this was entirely her fault, as it was her irrational cravings for chocolate that caused us to be leaving the house in the first place.

Right?

Leaving, on a jet plane...

2005-06-04T16:24:00.000+10:00

Getting set...

I don't know if that's legible, but in summary:

19 Sep - Depart Melbourne, 0930
(stops in Tokyo and Portland)
20 Sep - Arrive Vancouver, 1130

and then:

24 Oct - Depart Vancouver, 1200
(via Seattle)
25 Oct - Arrive Tokyo, 1720

28 Oct - Depart Tokyo, 2020
29 Oct - Arrive Melbourne - 0740

I've also got the travel agent looking into the rail journey I'm planning:

20 Sep - Departs Vancouver, 1700
over the Rockies
22 Sep - Arrive Winnipeg, 1130

Stay with a mate (Mike) for a few days.

26 Sep - Depart Winnipeg, 1200
27 Sep - Arrive Toronto, 2000

And then a few days there before heading for wherever my brother is, as it'll be his birthday on the 30th, and that, of course, is the whole point of the trip. At the moment it looks as though he'll still be in Lansing, Michigan, which is convenient from Toronto. Then work my way up through Ottawa, Montreal, and Quebec, back down via Boston and then a couple of weeks in New York. This will probably include trips to Washington, Philadelphia, and anything else that takes my fancy at the time. Back to Vancouver for a few days, and then the three days in Tokyo.

I can't wait.

How to find a man

2005-06-03T22:36:00.000+10:00

So here's what we did last Saturday night. I meant to blog about this earlier in the week, but stuff gets in the way (stupid 9 to 5 job).

The boys went out. Jiggy, Dirkie and Spaceman, just like old times (although Grinder couldn't make it as his wife is nearly nine months pregnant). My Lady Friend also came along, as an independant observer. So where did we head? Cookie? The Ding Dong Lounge? The Croft Institute?

Er, no. Actually we went to Furnace. In Fountain Gate. Deep in Kath and Kim territory. Check the review: "Girls: If you're going - go with a group."

Apart from that, it was just like any other suburban pub/club. Cigarette smoke, three dollar spirits until 10.30, a cover band. It's nominally 25's and over, which seems weird, but works well, as it keeps out most of the hooligans. The place was a bit emptier than usual (apparently). You can put that down to the freezing cold Melbourne winter that has just started. Still, there were enough ladies out there for our recently single-ified Jiggy to work his magic on the dance floor.

And it wasn't long before he'd lined up a prospect who had probably snuck around the over 25s requirement. But with a shortage of people, no problem. They were dancing quite close, and were soon joined by a third party, a lady who was over 25. Much closer to 45, in fact. And it got a bit squeezy for a few songs, him chasing the young one, and in turn being chased by the older one.

At a break, my lady friend has a brief chat to the younger one.

"Do you like him?"

"Oh, yeah, but I've got a boyfriend. He's just in Bonnie Doone at the moment."

"Oh."

"My Mum seems to love him, though."

Er, yes. Quite. The daughter was acting as a lure to find the single men for her mother. Somewhere, somehow, there's a little bit of wrongness in that. I just can't put my finger on it...

Schapelle

2005-05-31T00:05:00.000+10:00

I'm not going to bother. Everyone else is blogging about it. You want to know? Do you want to comment? Go to any of these posts here.

Or join the forum.

This blog is now a Corby free zone.

More Pope Palpatine

2005-05-26T21:50:00.000+10:00

Since noticing the similarity between JoRatz and Ian Mac, I have found that no less than nine people have come to my site after Googling "Pope Palpatine".

Naturally, I instantly googled it myself, to see what all the fuss was about.

There are 40,600 links. It seems I'm not the only one doing a lame-arse "separated at birth" thing.

It also includes someone pointing out the wikipedia entry for the new pope, with a photo that probably won't last long.

Revenge of the Sith.

2005-05-20T23:25:00.000+10:00

Warning. Possible spoilers ahead.

Two good things about the new Star Wars movie...

Jar Jar Binks does not speak
Natalie Portman looks stunning

... which would have been better if...

Jar Jar Binks died horribly (preferably in the first 10 minutes)
Natalie Portman had been given some decent lines

And another thing that has annoyed me about the new trilogy. Yoda grammar. The initial trilogy, I am sure, had the special 'Yoda grammar' occurring only occasionally, and in the new ones, it's happening a lot more often.

I'll have to get back to you on this one, now I think about it. But I am dead certain that Yoda's odd syntax was only done originally to add impact to some lines. "Ready are you? What know you of ready?" But many other lines were delivered straight: "You must unlearn what you have learned", "Yes, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force", "There is another Skywalker" etc.

In the new ones, this happens not.

The flow of dialogue, it interrupts.

Annoying, it gets.

Gives me the shits after a while, it does, yes.

Pope Palpatine

2005-05-12T21:40:00.000+10:00

If you stuck this guy...

...in a big black cloak, don't you think he would look like this?

Just an idle question.

Another tech-y question...

2005-05-09T23:26:00.000+10:00

...since they seem to be so fashionable these days.

I have a problem with my back, which stems from a mysterious accident 6 years ago. I'm going to a physio (again) but obviously the whole thing is posture related. So, to continue blogging, but without doing the whole hunched-up-over-the-keyboard thing, I need to find a new way of doing it. One way I'd like to try is if I could write my posts out manually, propped up in bed, and then scan the whole thing into a blog post. I can hear all you touch typers out there shrivelling in disgust, but since blogging, for me, is also a chance to clear my head of anything that happens to be clogged up there, I don't mind doing it in a slow and relaxed fashion. Think of the romance of train travel compared with the brutality of a plane trip. I haven't worked out the full details, but I wonder if there isn't some reasonably good handwriting recognition software available to download, which would turn the scribbles into the 10 point Arial font that you're reading now. I'll also try writing a post, scanning it, and just putting it up as a picture file, and see how that goes.

Junior Hockey, round 4

2005-05-06T23:56:00.000+10:00

A fantastic fighting win by the kids tonight. They were 2-0 down at half time, with two of them spending some time behind the net after receiving yellow cards. (A word of advise boys: Criticising the umpire is not a good idea. When the umpire is your father, it is even worse.) Still, I gave them a bit of a spray at half time, and they vaguely followed instructions in the second half. (Stop chasing the ball. Stay on your player.) And what do you know, we came home with the three points. Mentone 4 defeated Sandringham 3. (The last goal went in with only 2 minutes remaining. And a very tense 2 minutes they were.)

Now I have the weekend for my voice to recover.

Those wacky microsoft people

2005-05-02T22:37:00.000+10:00

So I'm learning how to use Outlook. I don't have it on my home computer, as I don't like ~~infecting~~ installing those sorts of microsoft ~~viruses~~ programs. But they force it on me at work, and I was tooling around today with the calendar thingummy, so it can remind me to check one of the lab things every few days. Otherwise we run out of helium over the weekend, and the gas chromatographs stop working, and my new team leader becomes a lot less fun. (Nothing to do with squeaky voices.)

So, how to bring up a reminder? Tools - Options - Appointments. Or something like that. In their help file it says the following:

You can specify a reminder to alert you of any upcoming item between now and Tuesday, August 31, 4500.

Yes.

That's right.

Tuesday.

They stop the whole thing mid-week.

Still, it will remind me of my dentist appointment on Friday, October 19, 4497.*

In other news: My junior hockey team had their first win of the season (Mentone 6 defeated Casey 1). Mrs and Mr Lefty got back from their honeymoon in FNQ. And my brother got his 'green card' last week, and skipped the country Sunday morning.

* No, I don't know if October 19, 4497 is a Friday or not. Honestly, what do you think the chances are that we'll still be using that outdated non-metric gregorian calendar in 2492 years time anyway?

The Wedding

2005-04-29T22:50:00.000+10:00

Yes, I know. Haven't blogged in a week and a half. And you're all dying to hear of the wedding of the year. So here we go...

The following events occurred:

The bride began preparations at six a.m., a full six hours before the actual kick-off. The bridesmaids gathered at 7. Despite this, they were still frantically rushed at the last minute.

The groom, and groomsmen, gathered (separately) at ten. Already dressed. We sat around, had a quiet beer to start off with. Read the paper. Did the crossword. Made small talk. Chuckled when the groom's mother managed to wedge her stiletto heel down a gap between the boards of the back deck.

The civil celebrant caught her fingers in her car door before the ceremony, and was profusely bleeding. It was tied up with band-aids, and the show went on. She then departed hurriedly for a hospital to get six stitches in her little finger.

Extra clauses were tacked on to the end of the groom's vows. As I remember them: "I promise to put the dirty washing in the basket, and not on the floor in front of it. I promise to keep my blogging and technology fetish to an acceptable level. I also promise to buy flowers once a week, as there is bound to be something I have done for which I should apologise."

Extra clauses were also added to the bride's vows, although I'm not as certain of those. I think they were keeping the dining table clear of paperwork, and preventing the spread of curios, knickknacks and assorted useless objects around the house.

The groom tried to put the ring on the wrong finger. ("No, the other left hand.")

The best man was heard to say, "Wait a minute. This isn't Mendelssohn." as the bridal party left the ceremony to the Star Wars procession theme.

The bridal waltz was 'Moondance'

The bride's father made a beautiful and moving speech. The groom's father made up something on the spur of the moment and kind of got away with it. The best man made an okay speech, except when toasting the bridesmaids, when I couldn't quite find the right word, and ended up describing them as 'spiffy'. The groom then made a speech which toasted almost everybody in the room and quite a few others as well, and forgot to toast the best man (not that I'm bitter).

Warmest congratulations, Mr and Mrs Lefty.

Joyriding

2005-04-18T18:39:00.000+10:00

Well, some of you are here to hear all about the wedding of the year. I'll post about that on Wednesday (probably), but for now I couldn't go past this:

An Elwood teenager has been taken to the Boroondara police station for questioning after tramway controllers tracked a stolen tram, capable of carrying 145 passengers and travelling at 70 km/h, from St Kilda to Kew before cutting power to network.

Police spokeswoman Carla Coslovich said last night the tram was stolen from the Southbank depot about 8.50pm.

Yarra Trams spokesman Colin Tyrus said the company's new Fleet Operations Centre in South Melbourne tracked the tram up Glenferrie Road before power was cut, stopping it in its tracks.

"We think he must have gone down the light rail to St Kilda, then around past Luna Park, to Balaclava Road, into Hawthorn Road, right at Dandenong Road, left into Glenferrie Road," Mr Tyrus said. Police then boarded the tram at the corner of Glenferrie Road and Wellington Street about 9.30pm.

Last night's theft of an ultra-modern Alstom Citadis tram, was the second from the same depot in two days.

Mr Tyrus said a key and a knowledge of the controls were needed to operate the tram, one of 31 ordered for a total of $100 million in 2001

This is exactly the sort of thing that Victoria's new anti-hooning legislation was designed to prevent. The 15-year-old's tram has now been impounded after several Glenferrie residents complained to police that tram drivers were performing 'donuts', and generally being a menace to traffic, pedestrians, and public transport users.

Seriously though, this kid did it twice. He stole one on Friday night just for a test drive - South Melbourne to Port Melbourne and back - to work out the "complicated braking system". And then on Sunday took another one with keys stolen from the Box Hill depot three weeks ago. He'd been driving it for about half an hour - collecting and transporting passengers - when staff from Yarra Trams' control centre called police. Shortly afterwards, power was cut to the network and the boy was arrested at gunpoint (because, of course, he's a terrorist wanting to fly the tram into the Rialto). Police haven't yet commented on the arrest, although they did say the boy admitted his obsession with trams during an interview.

Although he stressed the potential serious consequences of the theft, Senior Constable Hills said the boy should not abandon his dream of being a tram driver. "I believe that if he stays on the straight and narrow then it's certainly not going to affect his future," he said.

I'll believe that when I see it.

Why I'm going on holidays (pt 3)

2005-04-16T21:32:00.000+10:00

All right, all right. Here is the rest of the holiday story.

(Note: here is part 1, and here is part 2. Get up to speed, and when you're ready, read on).

So. Dessert's on its way out, and other brother and I are about to head off to hockey training. We mention this. Twice. Then he realises what he really ought to have mentioned.

"Oh, yeah. Didn't tell you the best news." Spreads hands on table. "Got married."

Screeching from Mum, screeching from Nana, stunned silence from Dad, and I swear I heard Grandma say "Heaven's to Betsy," which I didn't think was a real phrase.

And so everyone finds out that they've been married for 6 months without anyone else knowing. My sister-in-law goes through the process of getting an immigration visa so she can live with her husband in Australia, which is a breeze if you've got a spare 9 or 10 months up your sleeve. And they've lived in Melbourne for a couple of years. It turns out to be a bit harder on her than they thought (or something - I don't actually know the full story, but it might be career related), and so they are resettling in the US. She's already over there, finding a house, finding a job, that sort of thing. He's in the process of getting his immigration visa, which is also a breeze if you've got a spare 9 or 10 months up your sleeve. And so they're off to live in Michigan, where she's originally from. Although it turns out that she's tired of Lansing, and has decided that Burlington, Vermont is much more appropriate. I asked my brother why Burlington, and he just shrugged and said "I dunno, it's her idea." Apparently its only temporary, a year or two at most. Then they move to Seattle. I asked my brother why Seattle, and he just shrugged again and said "I dunno, it's her idea."

I think I have a very strange sister-in-law.

Anyway, the point is that I thought it would be nice to see him for his birthday. So come September I'm going to be overseas. The whole holiday is based on the fact that I have to be in Vermont on Friday the 30th of September. The other 5 weeks and 6 days have to be organised around that. For a while I thought that was going to be Grand Final weekend, but that turns out to be a week earlier. Which is a shame, because we could've done some real damage to ourselves. The game would have started at about midnight that night, and we're sure we could have found a pub willing to broadcast/webcast it live for us. Maybe I'll have to get there a week earlier. I've already got a vague itinerary worked out but that's another post...

Busy week

2005-04-12T21:21:00.000+10:00

Yes, I know that at least one of you is waiting for the rest of the holiday post, but that's my back-up plan B blog post when I've nothing else to write about. And so much has happened since then...

My car caught fire.
I drive a 1984 Honda Civic, and one of the hoses had split. This was then leaking fluid, and under pressure the fluid would spray around over the engine. Which gets a bit hot from time to time, and you get a small fire on the outside of the engine as it burns away. Not that you know this at the time, of course. All you know is that despite being only a few hundred metres from where you live you can't get there because you're on Punt Rd on a Sunday arvo and traffic's a nightmare because Hawthorn are playing Richmond at the MCG and there's smoke leaking out from under the bonnet.

I got it serviced last Tuesday, and it's all good now.

I had five needles stuck in me on Thursday.
And another three yesterday. My physio thinks the best way to treat my right shoulder is to acupuncture the left side of my spine (Thursday). Or the right side of the spine (Monday). I go along with it, partly because she speaks with a thick Scottish accent and I can't understand what she's saying, and partly because she's pretty hot. If she picks something else again next Monday, I think I'll find another physio.

We rehearsed a wedding.
You'll be standing here. No, in an arc. Another step forward. That's right. Now the bridesmaids walk in. And then the maid of honour. You'll be throwing the petals, remember? Don't lose your balance there. Now the bride. Hold your father's arm. No, you hold his arm, not the other way around. And smile for the photographer. Up to here. Up one step. That's it. The father takes the veil off. Yes, he does. Don't forget to smile for the photographer. And who's doing the readings? Well, they do them now. Then you follow my lead. Do you have the rings? No, I know you don't have them *now* but this is where you will have them. Won't you. Don't forget them. And then we step in here, all of you. You sign here, and you sign here. In the registry book. It's not there now but it will be. And smile for the photographer. Now step away and you two step in and sign here and here. Because you're the witnesses, that's why. Don't forget to smile for the photographer. Then walk back out. Stick close or you'll get mobbed. Yes, you will, there'll be a grandmother or an aunt or someone and they all want to say something. And don't forget to smile for the photographer.

And don't forget the rings.

I saw some television.
Because normally I don't. Ever. But I was out at a pub last night and there was one in the corner. You couldn't hear it, but it was Who wants to be a Millionaire? so you're probably better off just reading the questions without having to listen to Eddie's vacuous drivel. Now I know the first 5 or so questions are supposed to be easy, but how's this one: For $800, what is not a part of a popular two player game?

A) Rock

B) Paper

C) Scissors

or...

D) Particle accelerator.

And that's why I don't watch television.

Oh, and a big word up to the guy I half heard on the radio today talking about the use of human growth hormones, describing them as a "growth" industry. Which I guess you can't really argue with.

Music Review (2)

2005-04-07T19:50:00.000+10:00

Know what I'm loving right now?

The Wrights are a 'supergroup', but a good one. Members have been plucked from some of Australia's finest young(-ish) rock acts. And I mean rock. None of this Australian Idol rubbish. No Kylie. No Delta. Not even a Felix Riebl or a John Butler. We do, however, have members of the following bands:
Nic Cester (and Chris Cester) from Jet
Bernard Fanning from Powderfinger
Chris Cheney from The Living End
Davey Lane from You Am I
Phil Jamieson from Grinspoon
Kram from Spiderbait
Pat Bourke from Dallas Crane
as well as some of the production team behind the original Stevie Wright album, Hard Road. And they have put together a pumped up, rocked up, strung out, thumping good version of Evie parts 1, 2 & 3

Damn it's a good song.

Comedy Review (2)

2005-04-07T19:26:00.000+10:00

Something I forgot to mention in the last post...

A handy tip for anyone rocking down to see a big show at the last minute: If the Town Hall ticket sellers say the show is booked out, go and check if the venue has any 'house tickets'. We did, and found prime seats in row G, slap bang in the centre of the Athanaeum Theatre.

And never ever turn up to a comedy show late. The three ladies who walked in 15 minutes into the show would have had absolutely no idea what was going on.

Comedy review

2005-04-03T15:37:00.000+10:00

Well, didn't get to see Tripod in the end, my Lady Friend and I preferring a nap at home for an hour as we were both fatigued from our respective busy days. But we did get to see Ross Noble, who was very good value, not least because he ranted on for two and a half hours, whereas most shows max out after an hour. And was very funny. Even his gags about the pope didn't cross the line into tastelessness (although others might disagree).

Stay tuned for more reviews as my brother (the one moving to the US) and I see the Umbilical Brothers and Rich Hall tonight - if I can persuade him to part with what's left of his Australian currency.

Funk claims Players

2005-03-29T22:58:00.000+10:00

I was just quickly browsing BBC headlines when I came across the above.

Funk claims Players.

It turns out to be a perfectly ordinary sports report: the PGA tour's Players Championship recently concluded in gusty conditions at Sawgrass, and was won by Fred Funk.

The 48-year-old American became the event's oldest ever winner, finishing a stroke ahead of Tom Lehman, Scott Verplank and Britain's Luke Donald.

Still. Funk claims Players. It reminds me of the headline when Pat Cash defeated Ivan Lendl at Wimbledon: "Cash beats dud Czech".

Looking forward to seeing some of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival tomorrow. From memory we're seeing Tripod and Ross Noble.

More Paul Hester

2005-03-29T21:52:00.000+10:00

A correction to the last post - Together Alone was the fourth Crowded House album.

And some Paul Hester quotes...

"It's pretty stupid comparing us to the Beatles. There were four of them. There's only three of us."

"[Andy Warhol] offered his hand like a wet fish. That was great - if anyone's gonna have a wet fish handshake, it's gotta be Andy. If he'd had a staunch handshake, it would've freaked me out."

After Tim Finn joined the band for the recording of Woodface: "Now we have someone to blame if the record stiffs."

"Nick and I used to take great delight in getting into bed together in the morning, having cuddles and drinking tea. Tim and Neil would be appalled - they just couldn't bear the thought of us in bed together without any underpants on."

"We had this thing going where we called each other Cledwyn."

"If you want a drum solo, you say something along the lines of 'I think we need some African tribal rhythms, or an indigenous rhthym background' when basically it's some little white guy who wants to do a drum solo."

And perhaps most poignantly (in early 1994):
"I'm going to launch my own career when I'm about 40. I reckon your best years are between 40 and 60. I think you need to live a bit first."

R.I.P. Paul Hester

2005-03-28T22:56:00.000+10:00

Paul Hester's battle with depression has been a long one, stemming back to anxiety attacks that developed during the two-month-tour that followed the release of Crowded House's third album, Together Alone, in 1993.
From the Age:

The former Crowded House and Split Enz drummer took his own life in a Melbourne park on the weekend after taking his dogs for a walk. He was 46.

Vale Paul.

Why I'm going on holidays (pt 2)

2005-03-25T03:49:00.000+11:00

Well, I hope you've all read the previous post. If not, then go there first.

Now. Where were we?

Oh yes.

So, they've got hitched in America, 17th of January 2002. Her family knows all about it, but no-one in Australia knows. He does tell my other brother by email about February-ish (I discover later), and he told me in this email (excerpt) sent on the 25^th of March:

"... otherwise ive just been working, screwing around getting married but i still haven't told mum or dad. So don't you go telling them or anyone else."

Okay. If that's what you want. Further emails established that their plan was for him to move back to Australia when his visa runs out (June), while she finishes her course and then follows in November-ish. They would then settle down in Melbourne. So at least they've thought about things a bit, which was my main worry.

So he comes home, gets in around 10 or 11am, and goes straight to sleep. (Japan Air take you from chicago to LA to Tokyo to Melbourne, which is a hell of a lot of time in cattle class when you're 6 foot 3). I go down there for dinner, and they wake him up at 6pm, and drag him out.

I'm there. I know. Other brother is there. He knows. Mum and Dad are there but don't know. Grandma has come down from the country for a week, but she doesn't know. Nana and Granddad have 'popped in', but they don't know. Married brother tells many stories of working in restaurants in the US, public reaction to September 11, being pulled over for speeding at gunpoint, etc. All great stories.

I keep very quiet.

So does my other brother.

We share knowing looks occasionally, and wonder when the bomb will drop...

Why I'm going on holiday (pt 1)

2005-03-24T21:41:00.000+11:00

Okay, so I'm headed overseas. I put in my leave form yesterday, and my boss has (tentatively) said that they have no problem with me taking six weeks off. I figure that gives me five and a half weeks in North America. Why North America and not, well, any other continent?

Well, it all comes down to my baby brother, who is now 23, and has been married for just over three years. My sister-in-law (of just over three years) was (at the time) from Lansburg, Michigan. They first met in Launceston, Tasmania (are you following?). She was at the University of Tasmania, studying marine biology. He was at the Australian Maritime College, studying naval architecture (we're in late 2000 at this point). They finish the uni year, he shows her around a bit of Victoria (the Australian one) before she flies home to Michihgan. He drops out of uni, works for six months, and then goes over to stay with her, while working in her parent's restaurant. This stay is for (initially) six months. They day before he is due to arrive back home he rings mum and says, "Sorry, I'll be staying here for another six months."

One week after this bomb shell, they get married. In a court room. Just him, her, her mother, her sister, the judge, and some guy called 'Chuck'. 'Chuck' is there to act as best man because he happened to be nearby at the time, and they needed an extra witness.

('Chuck' was subsequently found guilty of being drunk and disorderly and assaulting a policeman, which was why he happened to be nearby at the time. I forget what sentence he earned.)

So, my baby brother got married. Overseas. Slightly spontaneously*. If you were in this situation, how would you tell your parents?

...to be continued.

* Yes, I know this is an oxymoron, but I think you get the point.

Hockey training

2005-03-22T22:55:00.000+11:00

Some of you may know that apart from playing hockey, I also do a spot of coaching on the side. This will be the third season that I've been coach of an under 17s team at Mentone Hockey Club. It will also be the first season where I can look the kids in the eye and say, "I've been playing hockey since before you were born." Which I find very strange. More on this at a later date. Meanwhile, you can look forward to seeing progress results on this site as the season unfolds. But don't get too carried away. We have two teams this year, with about twenty-something kids on the books. Eight of them came to training tonight. One sent her apologies. Which means that more than half of them are missing in action. Including, incidentally, the head under 17s coach. Leaving just me.

The season starts in 24 days. I am not hopeful.

Felicitations

2005-03-21T23:04:00.000+11:00

equinox noun, astron either of two occasions on which the Sun crosses the equator, making night and day equal in length. 14thc: from Latin aequi noctium, from aequus equal + nox night.

(Source: Chambers 21st Century Dictionary - slightly battered)

And a happy persian new year (apparently). At least that's what I've been told by my Iranian colleague.

Wine Review

2005-03-16T22:27:00.000+11:00

Okay - the wines.

Now contrary to what some may think, I do know a bit about wine. I mean, I know the basics. I could guess a merlot from a shiraz or a riesling from a chardonnay most of the time, but that's about it. Enough to get by on in a 5 star restaurant, or in front of a prospective father-in-law (and a big hello to Greg if you're listening). And more than enough to enjoy a wine tasting tour, particularly when my Lady Friend is doing the driving. So: Vineyards we went to were St Huberts, Yering Station, De Bortoli's, and Domaine Chandon.

St Huberts

All you see of St Huberts (apart from the vines) is the small tasting room by the side of the road next to a car park and a swing-and-slide set for the kiddies. Which was perfect. I tried the Rousanne, the chardonnay, and a couple of unmemorable reds. Here I quote from the Rousanne brochure:

"The 2004 St Huberts Rousanne is pale straw with light green hues. Subtle spice, floral and flint aromas develop into a well-balanced palate that displays fresh orange peel and spice characters with a crisp citrus finish."

Which is mostly okay. The colour is a faded yellow. It tasted a bit fruity with some tang. It smelt the same as it tasted. One thing escapes me.

Flint aromas.

Try as I might, I have failed to find any rock (flint or otherwise) that smelt the same as the 2004 St Huberts Rousanne. I still bought a bottle, because it was damn good.

Yering Station

These guys were a nice two minute stroll from the wonderful "relais and chateaux" where we were staying. A wonderful old brick building that sold local produce (lemon jelly, quince spread, assorted exotic spices and so on) in the front area, the main room was a big square with art on the walls, and a smaller square in the centre which served as the bar. I think it's a great idea to use this kind of space as a gallery. It's wasted on most people I suppose, but I was interested. The wines were okay, not bad, but not great, although I did end up buying the 2004 Sangiovese:

"This wine has a fragrant nose of sweet cherry, spice and leather tones. The palate is tight with great length of flavour and good acidity making it a perfect food wine."

There's nothing I like better than a tight palate.

Yering Station had also dissected every wine in a sort of ready reference guide, which described colour, aroma, taste, aftertaste, and what to eat with it. One of the whites was a breakfast wine, apparently. The reds all had the following colours: (actually, I scibbled those colours on a piece of paper that I've left at work for some bizarre reason. This section will be updated tomorrow).

De Bortoli's

Well, by now they were all getting a bit tourist-y. But it was decked out nicely in a kind of sub-level of the building. It looked like a cellar, but without the steps. It was also packed. I strongly recommend seeing these guys on a weekday when it's not 30-odd degrees in late summer, because it would be great to be there on your own, or with a few other couples tossing up between the rose and the grenadine. My Lady Friend had recommended some of the ports here, and I did purchase the 8-year-old Tawny Port and the Show Liqueur Muscat:

"The palate is rich and smooth displaying distinguished rancio and aged wood characters whilst retaining attractive fruit flavour."

Mmm, taste that rancio.

"This lovely old Muscat shows rich, concentrated old rancio and wood aromas on the nose which continue to a palate showing intense flavour with ripe Muscat fruit very evident. The oak is beautifully integrated with a long, lingering finish that is smooth an delicious."

Muscat fruit? Very evident in a Muscat? Who would have thunk it?

Still, I look forward to polishing these off with my old man in a month or so when he turns 56. I got myself fairly damaged last year when I turned up for his birthday with some port from the Clare Valley (in South Australia). My baby brother (age 22) was spending his (supposedly) last April in Australia (although Uncle Sam's red tape has kept him here for just over a year now), and Mr Lefty was along for the ride (although I may be confusing this with another occasion).

Domaine Chandon

Tourist trap. Packed to the gunwales. About what you'd expect from a company owned by Louis Vuitton. Although a private function in the adjoining gardens didn't ease the crush at all. Again we suffered the problem of trying to see a winery in the middle of a glorious long weekend. Besides, I've still got a bottle of Domaine Chandon Non Vintage that the Mentone Panthers under 17s gave to me after I coached them in 2003. If you want to see all the steps in bottling wine, then by all means visit, but I've studied this sort of thing during an attempt at chemical engineering, and it was just another industry to me.

And there you have it. Another chapter of our weekend away. Anyone who invites me (and my Lady Friend) out to a decent restaurant may share a glass of one of the above wines. But get in quick, because after Mum's birthday (April 2), Dad's birthday (April 20), and the wedding of the year (anonymous date in April), there might not be any left.

Decadence

2005-03-15T19:50:00.000+11:00

Okay, so after the last post you’re all hanging out for a wine review. You’ll have to wait a bit while I talk about old-fashioned 5-star service.

Chateau Yering is described as ‘Australia’s only Relais and Chateaux property’, whatever that may mean. We were in one of the three Stable Suites, which were one up from the plain old River Suites, but not as good as the Yarra suites, or, indeed, the top-shelf Yering Suite. Each of the Stable Suites is named (as, I presume, the other suites are). We were in “Lantern” (winner of the Melbourne Cup in 1864, other suites were previous winners Archer and Banker).

The luxury in the better suites must be ridiculous, as the Stable Suite we were in had:

full air-conditioning/climate control (important when it’s 34^oC outside).
spa
open fireplace
a lounge suite in front of the open fireplace
the usual TV, DVD, and well stocked mini-bar
private balcony
a most comfortable antique four (count them, four) poster bed

while the rest of the place offered us:

in-suite massages
valet parking
friendly and efficient 24-hour room service
swimming pool, tennis court, boules
English style gardens in which to play tennis or boules, or just stroll
private lounge for residents only
private drawing room for residents only
private library for residents only
(yes, that’s basically three separate lounges, and each of them had first rate bar service – “why yes, I would like another brandy, thank you, my good man”).
Eleanore’s Restaurant.

Special mention must be made of the restaurant. We’d decided to have a bit of fun and get ultra dressed up for dinner. I pulled out the suit that I haven’t worn since Granddad’s funeral, and my Lady Friend tricked herself out in a natty dress that was very swish (despite her protestations of “What? This old thing?”). The plan was to be able to look down our noses at those interlopers who hadn’t dressed up for the occasion. As it happened, just about everyone else had done the same thing. There was no denim to be seen, every shirt had a collar, if we hadn’t dressed up we would have looked positively shabby. The maitre d’ took our jacket, helped us into our chairs, and allowed us to peruse the menu. Now I get a bit miffed when restaurants try to charge more than about twenty to twenty-five dollars for a main course. Since a full three course dinner was included in the package, though, I had no problems when it turned out that the entrees were that expensive. Although, it must be said, it was the best cooking I can remember ever having. They started with a complimentary soup. Served in a shot glass, ultra-thick, creamy and mushroomy, and topped with a spoonful of truffle oil. I then had the salmon, which was three bites of salmon served with ‘pate bric’, something-or-other ‘jus’ and ‘blackberry and apple glaze’. Which was awesome (the whole dish, not just the glaze). My Lady Friend had the artichokes, with more ‘jus’ and more truffles and more awesome-ness. The mains were equally melt-in-the-mouth. I had the squab (which was described in ridiculously hyped-up language, until you ate it and realised that it lived up to the hype). My Lady Friend had the trout (with a pesto topping and scallops and miniature calamari) which, well, you get the idea by now. We were so astounded by the quality and richness of these two courses that we couldn’t fit another thing in. We sent the remaining half-bottle of wine to our suite, asked the maitre d’ for my jacket, left a generous tip, returned to the suite, pulled the curtains around our four-poster, and slept the sleep of the bloated.

Some further notes, as examples of the decadence:

- Checking-in, we kept verbally tripping over the hostess on the front desk, as we weren’t used to having everything done for us, nor do we actually need everything done for us. It was only later that I realised that they were genuine when they suggested that we just point to the bits of luggage we wanted in our room, and then we should forget the luggage and the car and the porters and the outside world in general and would you perhaps like a drink in the bar, sir?

- The Age was outside our suite on Sunday morning – freshly ironed. We didn’t ask for any paper, let alone The Age in particular. I like to think that they only deal in the better of the two Melbourne dailies (no Herald-Suns here, how terribly common).

- When we first got to the suite, our hostess gave us the tour, showing us the mini-bar, how to use the spa, how to call for help if the bed wasn’t turned down just so (or whatever). As she left, the door stuck for a micro-second as she left. We noticed as we left to tour the lounges that it did indeed stick a fraction, and required an extra push to open. We returned later that day, and it was fixed. Just like that. Our life at Chateau Yering was made just that little bit better in the blink of an eye.

- The beds were folded down perfectly. As you’d expect. Towels were pressed and folded for us. As you’d also expect. After we’d had a shower, wandered around for a bit, and returned to prepare for dinner, they’d been pressed and folded again. Even the toilet paper had been folded so the loose end was a demure point instead of just a vulgar loose end. Which I think is going a bit far, but it did look good.
- A bidet. I’ve never actually seen one in real life before. I didn’t even try to use it.

- A cat. A fluffy, stuffed, teddy-bear-esque, imported-from-England cat. Drop it outside your door when you don’t wish to be disturbed. Classy.

Naturally, all of this would normally come at a cost, and I feel lucky to have enjoyed it. It was also a chance to reflect on old-fashioned aristocracy, to whom this must have been the most normal thing in the world. But that's another post.

A weekend away

2005-03-12T10:15:00.000+11:00

Sorry, no posts for the next two days - my Lady Friend was given (as a christmas bonus from her workplace) a weekend for two at a winery in the Yarra Valley, and she has chosen to take advantage of it this weekend, and she has chosen to take me with her. For which I am very happy. Dinner, accommodation, breakfast, sample the wares, generally enjoy a couple of days off. And the weather looks like it will be fantastic, so I'm off to pack the boardshorts and head for the mountains. Monday's public holiday should give me time to blog properly. Prepare for a snooty wine review in a couple of days. And enjoy your weekends.

Where's my bread knife?

2005-03-07T18:45:00.000+11:00

More news from the Let's Stick A Piece Of Steel In My Head Without Noticing Society:

Move over nail-gun guy. You may remember nail-gun guy from previous accidents such as the 10cm nail up the jaw for six days:

We have a new title holder.

Leonard Woronowicz of Poland had a fall in his kitchen. He had a slight gash and a headache, but thought nothing of it. The next day, he needed to cut some bread. He looked everywhere for the bread knife, but was baffled when he could only find the handle. "Where's the blade?" he wondered (except in Polish, obviously).

The headaches continued, and a few days later old Lenny went to hospital for an x-ray.

Go on.

You'll never guess.

That's right. 12 centimetres of bread knife in the head. Defeating the previous record by 2 centimetres, and gaining bonus points for width as well.

(Thanks to Vučko for the photo.)

UPDATE
Should also have thanked Cul for the first photo, too. (See comments.)

And in local news...

2005-03-05T10:18:00.000+11:00

I slept in this morning, as is my wont on a Saturday, and woke at 9-ish to the sound of an insistant whining floating through the air. Some would see this as a particularly loud mosquito, and I know my parents would immediately curse the trail bikers ripping up the nearby bush land, but I know different.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Melbourne Formula 1 Grand Prix.

I was idly wondering exactly what is between me and the track, and eventually pulled out an old street directory and had a look. My bedroom window is a tick over three and a half kilometres from Champion's Corner (turns 6,7 and 8 - occasionally known as Lakeside Drive). Two-thirds of this distance is parks and gardens. Which I find the amazing thing about Melbourne. To be so close to the city, and yet have so many green bits. I remember a newspaper article (possibly by noted Melbourne biographer Keith Dunstan) that said you could walk from Flemington to St Kilda, one side of the city to the other, and have 80% of your trip through greenery. I suspect he's taking the long way around Royal Park, along with a few other detours, but that still represents a fairly hefty slab of real estate. And it's an integral part of the city that we should protect from development as much as possible. They shut this bit down for a car race, stick a new museum in the middle of that one, then they build some Commonwealth Games accommodation on another bit, massively overdevelop around another one for a private university...

Keep alert, people. Before we lose too much of it.

Song reviews and other matters...

2005-03-02T18:46:00.000+11:00

Driving to work today, a bit hungover from a dinner last night, when my Honda Civic (I name it 'Nuffy', as the licence plate in NFI - seriously) got cut off by a mini-bus. It was in the right-hand lane and decided it didn't want to be, and was suddenly in the left lane, forcing me to brake and blare my horn impotently, as the front of the minibus was so far from me that the driver wouldn't have known what was going on. This is probably not an unusual event on Melbourne's roads, or, indeed, any other city's roads. What made it notable was that the bus was the 'PrayerBus' run by Light FM (89.9 on the FM dial, for my Melbourne readers). Presumably, the station's philosophy of "good friends, great music and a message of hope" doesn't extend to driving skills. Inspired by a recent example of quality jounalism, I spent 5 minutes googling and perusing their website.

I enjoyed reading of their 'Spotlight Artist', David Meece, "the Barry Manilow of Christian Music". Most of that bio has been lifted from Meece's own site, except for the following line:

Today, David, Debbie, their son Chris and daughter Kelly are an amazing family that have survived the difficulties of journeying together through a wilderness that many Christian artists can readily identify with.

Including, presumably, Death by Cliche.

Before people get the wrong idea, I'm not making any judgement on the quality of Meece's music. I've never heard it, so I won't comment. Although I don't find "the Barry Manilow of Christian Music" an inspiring recommendation.

Eager to stamp my own influence on christian rock playlists, I went to their Hot25 website ("HOT 25 Countdown - Vote for your Favourite Track"). After seeing the list, I felt an ausculture-esque review was necessary.
Here's the list (sorry about all caps - it's a cut-and-paste job):

1. BE MY ESCAPE Artist: RELIENT K
2. UNDENIABLE Artist: MAT KEARNEY
3. GLORIA (ALL GOD'S CHILDREN)Artist: PAUL COLMAN
4. DEVOTION Artist: NEWSBOYS
5. I'M IN THE WAY Artist: JARS OF CLAY
6. THERE'S HOPE Artist: ALABASTER BOX
7. STANDING IN THE SUN Artist: THE LADS
8. GONE Artist: TOBY MAC
9. THINGS LIKE YOU Artist: SANCTUS REAL
10. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL Artist: PAUL WRIGHT
11. CONTROL Artist: MUTEMATH
12. CAROLINE Artist: SEVENTH DAY SLUMBER
13. LIFELINE Artist: BROOKE FRASER
14. CORNERSTONE Artist: DAY OF FIRE
15. MIRROR Artist: BARLOW GIRL
16. HIDING NOTHING Artist: FURTHER SEEMS FOREVER
17. RUN WITH IT Artist: VERBS
18. DARE YOU TO MOVE Artist: SWITCHFOOT
19. I CHOOSE YOU Artist: POINT OF GRACE
20. BEAUTIFUL Artist: SOULFRAME
21. TAKEN Artist: PLUMB
22. ALL I NEED Artist: SHAWN MCDONALD
23. PURE Artist: SUPERCHICK
24. TAKE ME AWAY Artist: 4TH AVENUE JONES
25. HITTIN' CURVES Artist: GRITS
Hit Pick: ARE YOU REAL? Artist: KJ-52
Flashback: HEAVEN Artist: DELIRIOUS

I'd like to review them, but I have NEVER HEARD ANY OF THESE SONGS. I haven't even heard of any of the artists. Is Relient K really spelt that way? What on earth is a Mutemath? Who is the Superchick? How do these people make it to the Hot25? Why can't I vote for Dallas Crane? Anyone?

(Again, no judgement is made on the quality of these songs, although presumably one of them gave the PrayerBus driver a sudden "let's-wrench-this-steering-wheel-to-the-left" reflex.)

Work Colleagues

2005-02-24T22:38:00.000+11:00

Ah, it's good to be back blogging again. Sorry for the interruption.

One of my work colleagues has returned (briefly) to his home country. He was born in Iran, was conscripted into the army there when he turned 18 (in about 1980) and fought in the war between them and Iraq for two years, mostly as a tank driver. As soon as he could get out, (life's no fun for a conscript) he joined a shipping firm and travelled the world on cargo boats - Germany, US, Korea, South Africa, Hong Kong, you name it, he's been there. got tired after a couple of years of that and jumped ship with a co-crew member whilst docked at Portland in western Victoria. He has become an Australian citizen and is now married with three kids. An interesting life. We were a bit worried for him when we heard of an earthquke in Iran, but it turns out that the Kerman province is far removed from Tehran, where he is.

The funny thing is, the last time he went home (in 2003), they had the devastating earthquake in Bam. They must be begging him to stop visiting.

The second biggest wedding of the year

2005-02-11T19:58:00.000+11:00

I was browsing around other bloggers today, to see how much interest the Charles and Camilla wedding was generating. Of the bloggers listed in my blogroll (to the right there), only MrLefty has mentioned it, and then only in response to the news that the Australian Republican Movement has suddenly been receiving a lot of phone calls from people wanting to join. I'd just like to give a big word-up to Annabel Crabb of The Age for this comment:

The middle aged pair, whose long romance was interrupted for 15 years by the Prince's marriage to Diana Spencer"

Now the media have called Lady Di a lot of things over the years, but I'm willing to bet my balls that this is the first time they've called her an "interruption".

Burgled!

2005-02-07T18:36:00.000+11:00

Not me. The guys next door. My Lady Friend has done the hard work for me, and posted it all here.

She has also posted about the great wedding suit hunt. We've decided that Mr Lefty looks most astounding in the black suit (with tails), white waistcoat and white tie, while us in the bridal party will have the same suit, an identical cut of waistcoat in black, and a lavender tie (which will match the bridesmaid's dresses). His parents have just about imploded with the thought of a day wedding that doesn't have morning suits. Yet again I find myself checking the calendar to see which century we're in.

Storm damage

2005-02-03T13:02:00.000+11:00

Well, very sorry that posting has been a bit intermittent this week. I finally get a chance to post today as I have an unexpected day off work. Wild storms happened outside last night in Melbourne, and some of it got inside, as I found when I stepped in a puddle in the hallway this morning. Waiting at home to organise to get it fixed (before "showers and the chance of a thunderstorm" later today) I tried to call work to explain why I would be late. All the phones at work were dead, but my boss had the foresight to ring me at 9.30, figuring since I wasn't there, something was wrong. I explained my problem, and she explained that the phones were dead because there was no power. She also said there was no point in going in, because there was no power. So, this morning was actually quite pleasant - a stroll around Fitzroy and Collingwood with that post-rain glow where the streets have been washed clean:

and if the rain don't fall too hard, everything shines just like a postcard.*

And the sun even broke through on the odd occasion, a reminder of the 36^oC we had only two days ago. Melbourne weather, hey?

* Paul Kelly, "From St Kilda To Kings Cross"

Shifting Sands

2005-01-29T19:27:00.000+11:00

Just a mild observation that I came across last Thursday. I had to drop into a friend's place to organise a buck's night*. I'll be best man, he's a groomsman. I haven't seen him in a while, and asked for his address, and he named a street "just off Warrigal Rd, in Camberwell". I pulled out a very old street directory and looked up the street in Camberwell, and it wasn't there. It was in Burwood.
(For my non-Melbourne fans, Camberwell is a pretty classy area about 10kms east of the city. Burwood is the next suburb out; slighly less prestigious, although still quite nice.)
When I double checked in a newer map, I found my friend was right - he is in Camberwell. Question: What's happened? Answer: The suburbs have been rezoned. All those people who owned expensive houses in Burwood (close to Camberwell) now own more expensive houses in stylish Camberwell, all without lifting a finger. This may seem a bit harsh on the shrinking Burwood, until you realise that it isn't shrinking at all. The other edge of Burwood has also moved, pushing back Box Hill South, and completely displacing Bennettswood. In other words, the whole of Burwood has shuffled a little bit to the west.
I was first aware of this phenomenon when my parents retired. I grew up in the seaside suburb of Mordialloc, although my folks were quite pleased to sell the house just on the border of Parkdale, which had moved about 500 metres (the border, not the house). Parkdale isn't much bigger, as the other end of Parkdale is being invaded by Mentone, which in turn, has lost ground to Beaumaris.
This can have some strange effects. Auburn, like Bennettswood, is now merely the name of a railway station. The suburb has disappeared, being unlucky to be surrounded by better places (Camberwell and East Hawthorn). Chadstone Shopping Centre, fashion centre for the glitterati, (or soulless concrete paean to commercialism) no longer resides in the suburb of Chadstone.

Yes, you read that right. Chadstone is not in Chadstone. Go on, check your Melways. It's in East Malvern.

*Anyone with any buck's night ideas is welcome to email them. Posting them here only means they will be read by the buck, who is supposed to be unprepared. Please make them clever. Strippers, nakedness and handcuffings to trains running express to Traralgon are trite ideas that are already being ~~planned~~ rejected.

The freaky ex-girlfriend

2005-01-24T18:21:00.000+11:00

Well, it's a long story, but these are the events of Saturday night at a games evening with some friends.

I arrive with my relatively new Lady Friend. My Ex of two years (with whom I was friendly until she completely randomly flipped out at me in September) is already there with what I presume is her boyfriend of about 12 months. I vaguely recognise the boyfriend as the guy who told me to 'Shut. The Fuck. Up.' at the Ex's housewarming just over a year ago. I resolve not to judge him for this, as I may have deserved it. I am mostly nice during the hors d'oeuvres, although I did slip when she asked if I had fixed my bike. It's been fixed for ages. 'It's been fixed for ages,' I said. 'If you kept in touch you'd know that.' It didn't come out as sarcastic as it looks on paper, but it was a slip, nonetheless. I apologised immediately, and moved on. I apologised again at a later point, while I was talking to the boyfriend to find out what he does. The Ex joined the conversation, we spent a perfectly civil 10 minutes or so catching up.

Late in the evening I decided to pull the pin. (As the oldest person there, I felt entitled to leave early.) Get comfortable, because this is where it starts to get interesting.

I casually (well, semi-casually) asked the Ex if she still had a book I had loaned her. She looked at me blankly and asked 'Book?' I described it, and she said it was probably lost when she moved house. Surprised, I asked when she moved out of place X (which she hasn't). She realised that it would be there, and said, 'Oh, I'm not sure, I'll look round and call you.' But she said it a bit hastily and a bit shiftily and wasn't looking at me when she said it. I said some other goodbyes, and then double checked, 'So you'll call me?' and this time she just gave a firm 'No.'
Twice.
'And,' I continued, 'I'm off to New York, and I...'
'Have fun,' she said curtly.
'...wanted to hear of your time there' died in my mouth. I didn't push the point. Glancing back as I left, I saw boyfriend sitting on the edge of the couch, and the Ex leaning back and slightly behind, as if trying to shield herself.

A friend of mine (also present) rang me this afternoon for some wedding invitation details (the Lady Friend's surname, my suburb), and told me that the Ex had later pulled his fiancee aside and said (and this might be paraphrased but I'm sure the gist is there), 'I didn't want to say in front of Leif's new girlfriend, but after the fifth phone call at one in the morning, I got cross with him and sold the book.'

Let's read that again.

'...after the fifth phone call at one in the morning, I got cross with him and sold the book.'

Needless to say, I am slightly apoplectic.

1. I have never made a phone call to the Ex at one in the morning.

2. I have never made five phone calls to the ex at one in the morning.

3. I am not even the kind of person that would make ANY phone call to ANYONE at one in the morning.

4. Why say 'I'll look round and call you,' when she clearly had no intention of doing so. Why can't she be honest? 'Look, I'm sorry, but I sold it,' would have done nicely.

Now, the fact she sold a book that didn't belong to her doesn't really upset me. I mean, it's not the done thing in the circles I move in, but it's certainly not as hurtful as the lies and deceptions that seem to be multiplying at a rate off the charts of most polygraphs. The next function to which we are both invited promises to be interesting. I will almost certainly snap completely and ruin the party.

How does one resolve this? I can't ring her and talk to her. She'll just hang up (as she did when she flipped in September). There is also the possibility that she actually is/was receiving anonymous phone calls at one in the morning, in which case her anger is probably fully justified, but misdirected. In which case it is important to clear my name, not for my sake, but in order to catch out whoever it is/was that IS making the calls and is getting away scot-free. It's very wrong and the guilty party ought to be punished. Not me.

Christians Issue Gay Warning (yet again...)

2005-01-22T01:52:00.000+11:00

Whilst fooling around with google in my incessant attempts to fully research a topic that I blog about, I came across the CAPalert site. ("We give you OBJECTIVE tools NO ONE ELSE CAN to help YOU make an informed decision for yourself whether a film is fit for your family!") These guys take the cake for investigative journalism...

SpongeBob, Barney Promote "Gay" Tolerance
...
While the video is not specifically about homosexuality, it's producer, the We Are Family Foundation, has the primary purpose of "fighting homophobia," according to its website.

The top of the website's home page reads, "We Are Family is a voice of informed straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered people ..."
...

Now, I was researching my article for, oh, at least ten minutes, but I did manage to discover the difference between the We Are Family website, and the We Are Family Foundation website.

No further questions, your honour.

Christians Issue Gay Warning (again...)

2005-01-21T18:15:00.000+11:00

Yet again I find myself checking the calendar to see which century we're in after reading this. It seems that Nile Rodgers, writer of the 1979 hit disco song "We Are Family" has remade it in a video featuring over 100 cartoon characters. This was to promote harmony and tolerance in a post-September-11 society. A laudable cause to be sure. However, you can't please everybody:

"A short step beneath the surface reveals that one of the differences being celebrated is homosexuality," wrote Ed Vitagliano in an article for the American Family Association.
"Their inclusion of the reference to 'sexual identity'' within their 'tolerance pledge' is not only unnecessary but it crosses a moral line," Dr James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, said in a statement on Thursday.

Now in trying to find out exactly who these guys were, I stumbled across this article from Ed Vitagliano:

Transvestite teachers. Boys kissing boys in restrooms. Teens taught about anal sex. "Gay" fairy tales for children. Could these things actually become a reality in our public schools? The speed of change in our society thus far, driven by resolute homosexual activists, indicates that the answer is most assuredly yes.

Nice and balanced journalism on the Agape Press Christian News Service. Well done, Ed. Not sensationalist at all.
Rodgers, founder of the We Are Family Foundation, is astounded. Unsurprisingly. For a number of reasons.

1. As the New York Times noted: Nothing in the video or its accompanying materials refers to sexual identity. The 'tolerance pledge' is not mentioned on the video and is available only on the group's Web site.

2. The 'Focus on the Family' group refuse to back down, and are even getting slightly hysterical:

On Wednesday however, Paul Batura, assistant to Mr. Dobson at Focus on the Family, said the group stood by its accusation. "We see the video as an insidious means by which the organization is manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids," he said.

3. Dr Dobson has singled out the creators of SpongeBob SquarePants for special attention.

Now, Dr Dobson said, SpongeBob's creators had enlisted him in a "pro-homosexual video", in which he appeared alongside other children's television characters.

Why SpongeBob? It's not him. It's the others. Barney, Winnie the Pooh, Bob the Builder, the Rugrats, Lilo and Stitch, Jimmy Neutron, Big Bird, Mister Snuffleupagus. They're all in it. SpongeBob SquarePants is just a fall guy.

And most of all...
4. So some kids are going to see a video. Haven't you got better things to do with your time?

Toothache

2005-01-19T01:01:00.000+11:00

This guy was complaining of a toothache FOR SIX DAYS. Yes, that is a four-inch nail stuck through his upper jaw and just missing his eyeball.

"This is the second one we've seen in this hospital where the person was injured by the nail gun and didn't actually realize the nail had been imbedded in their skull," neurosurgeon Sean Markey told KUSA-TV in Denver. "But it's a pretty rare injury."

I'm sorry? This has happened before? In the same hospital? Can someone do a quick survey around the country to see if it's happened anywhere else? I mean, maybe the whole nail-gun-misfire-four-inches-of-steel-in-the-brain thing is contagious.

Evolution vs Creationism

2005-01-18T05:44:00.000+11:00

OK, so. First of all the school board (it's a high school in Pennsylvania) order the school's biology teachers to preface their usual class on evolution with a statement saying: "Darwin's theory is a theory . . . not a fact. Gaps in the theory exist for which there is no evidence." Then some evangelists go and build the "Creation Museum"

A display showing ancient Babylon will feature the Tower of Babel. Another exhibit will lay responsibility for AIDS on homosexuals. Disease and famine will be portrayed as the byproducts of mankind's fall from grace. The climax of the exhibitions will be the life of Christ with a three-dimensional depiction of the crucifixion. A "Bible Authority Room" will warn visitors: "Everyone who rejects His history - including six-day creation and Noah's flood - is 'wilfully ignorant.' "

It's this sort of thing that makes me go to my diary and double check to see which century I'm living in. It astounds me that so many people are still taking the bible so literally. I mean, there's a lot of good stuff in it, but those who claim there are gaps in the evolution theory tend to ignore the HUGE GAPING HOLES in creationism. Although the school board in Pennsylvania did better than that by pushing something called 'intelligent design'. For those who haven't heard of this, it's the idea that life on earth is too complex to have developed at random - or, "I don't understand, therefore there is a god." The school's teachers, incidentally, refused to read the statement, and it will be read by an administrator instead. And as soon as the administrator has left the room, perhaps the class might learn something.
Incidentally, I'm not saying don't teach creationism. Just teach it as though it's a story in the bible. Creationism in the Religion class, Evolution in the Biology class. Perhaps we should preface the religion classes with a statement: "Creationism is a theory . . . not a fact. Gaps in the theory exist for which there is no evidence." What would the school board say to that?

Cardinal Bush

2005-01-16T19:43:00.000+11:00

It agitated me greatly to see this. George W. Bush has claimed that to do the job, you need a relationship with God.

"I don't see how you can be president . . . without a relationship with the Lord," he told the Washington Times.

Now he did qualify it with a lot of guff about "protecting the great right of people to worship or not worship as they see fit," and so on, but you shouldn't actually need a god to help you run the country. All you've got to do is be intelligent enough to develop your own sense of morals. Is anyone else uncomfortable with the concept of a president who has borrowed his ethics from somewhere else? What it means is that in a lot of social issues (say, abortion, gay marriage, death penalty) the outcome is a foregone conclusion. I wouldn't object if the people in charge constructed a solid moral argument behind their decision, and I don't object to people who can do this and are firm in their opinions. But if you've made a legislative decision based on what it says in some book that was written centuries ago (get with the times people) then you are forcing your religion upon others.

But he sought to neutralise the controversy that such a forthright statement of faith would provoke by stressing that he had no wish to impose his convictions on others.

Unfortunately, when he said this he was talking about...

protecting the great right of people to worship or not worship as they see fit

...and I'm afraid it goes a bit deeper than that. If, for example, you believed in no god, and wanted to marry your loving and caring life partner, you might be told you couldn't because the president's imaginary friend said, "No". So while you're free to worship atheism, Dubya's god will still creep into your life.
Just to clarify this, before I get into arguments on the topics of abortion, gay marriage or death penalty, I am not making any statements on these topics at all. What I am objecting to is a president (and, I'm guessing, several others in govenment) not making up their own minds, but having their minds made up for them by their religion. The process should be a little bit more involved than that. I want ethics, not religion.

The Yarra

2005-01-16T09:04:00.000+11:00

So it turns out that the Yarra River, that beloved stretch of water that we pay incredibly inflated real estate prices to be close to (and double that if you've got an actual view), is a little bit sick. I was amused to find that on the same day as this is announced, the EPA advertise in the careers section for Freshwater Scientists. Surely they've been working on this problem for a while. Surely there's a program to continually monitor E.coli levels in the river. And what the hell is leptospira anyway?

Melbourne Grogblogging

2005-01-15T02:31:00.000+11:00

Well, it was a success. Despite some who didn't show, and others who left early. There were quite a few who stayed all night, dancing to House of Pain (Jump Around) and Spandau Ballet (Gold). Heaven Is A Place On Earth? Manic Monday? Hungry Like The Wolf? You all heard it, if you stuck round long enough.

The Nerd Factor

2005-01-14T20:01:00.000+11:00

My god. I'm a scientist, and I'm in the bottom half. (With thanks to Agent Fare Evader, who got it from someone else.)

Giving a little bit of oneself....

2005-01-14T19:27:00.000+11:00

This is hilarious. Some Victorian MPs have been asked to donate sperm to help infertile couples have children. Every single one of them has declined. 100%. Even those (over-45s) who didn't get asked declined. John Thwaites: "I'm not saying I would, (but) I'd like the offer though." Best of all was Bob Cameron...

As Agriculture Minister, I support artificial insemination, but in this particular circumstance, I'm unable to assist.

Gold, my friends. Pure gold.

Other Sports News

2005-01-10T19:10:00.000+11:00

Apart from the finest cricketers in the world at the MCG, the Deaflympics are also on. Their website reports on the opening ceremony:
"The festivities were headlined by performances from Australian popstars Guy Sebastian, Paulini, Sophie Monk and David Campbell."

That's right, Guy Sebastian, Paulini, Sophie Monk and David Campbell performed at the Deaflympics.

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

The rise and rise of Pigeon

2005-01-10T18:54:00.000+11:00

A follow up to my earlier cricket-related post: Glenn McGrath batted at number 6 in today's match. In a Rest Of The World XI side. Ahead of such batting luminaries as Stephen Fleming and Matthew Hayden (has Hayden ever batted at 8?). Sure, he went out first ball, but he did it in style, chasing quick runs and attacking the bowling.

So wish I could have got there for the match.

Punkarella explained

2005-01-09T13:51:00.000+11:00

I should have looked a bit closer at the band's official website, because it's all there in the message forum. Apparently the altercation with Missy Higgins was a misguided attempt at a bear hug, and a loss of footing. He has apologised to Missy. He did do the push-and-shove thing with Davey Lane, but Dave was simply trying to get him off-stage. As he says (apparently it's a letter from Tim):

I've got some problems with intoxicants that i haven't dealt with in a long time and it's come back and bit me big time...
Only concussion or brain damage would make me lash out at my little brother Dave, he's precious to me in ways you couldn't imagine.
I'm sorry from the bottom of my rotten gut to people who were disappointed. I love this band and the people who've given us a go for so long.I don't want my daughter to see me as a fuckup and so i promise to her to get it together.

Get well soon Tim.

Old rice and monkey nuts

2005-01-09T10:50:00.000+11:00

Old rice and monkey nuts.

Just doing my bit. See here for details. Quite a few bloggers are jumping on this bandwagon. Get out there and link to old rice and monkey nuts.

Embarrassing things you do when you're drunk

2005-01-09T10:20:00.000+11:00

Sincerest apologies to the staff of the McDonald's in Smith St, Fitzroy. I was out last night for a few drinks (it's my birthday, and I'll cry if I want to), and showed some friends the pickle trick. For those who don't know, this is how it works: You find someone who doesn't eat their pickle (I do, I think it's the only part of the burger with any flavour at all), and you take one of the cardboard strips that they wrap around the burgers to hold everything in. Place the pickle in the centre of the cardboard strip, bring the ends of the strip together over the pickle, and then snap the ends apart as hard as you can. A big 'sorry' goes out to the Mcslave that's going to have to peel that pickle off the roof.

The Love Bug

2005-01-07T18:44:00.000+11:00

Spotted in the outer eastern suburbs of Melbourne Today: 1 Volkswagon Beetle, the new kind. It was painted in very happy colours - a rich yellow/gold outlined with some black on the bit around the wheel arches and a big red heart shape on the back door. Obviously it's advertising something. The front wheel arch had a phone number on it (1800 102 200, I discovered later) and the back wheel arch had this website.
Love Bug indeed...

Grogblogging

2005-01-05T22:15:00.000+11:00

Got myself a crash course in html language today. Look! Images! A photo! A blogroll! So much more to come...

Sports news

2005-01-04T18:28:00.000+11:00

At the risk of being boring to the anti-sport community, and alienating some of my overseas readers, I'm going to talk cricket. Specifically, Australia's first innings at the SCG. Here's the full scoreboard, courtesy of Cricinfo:

 Australia 1st innings                                             R   M   B  4 6

1. JL Langer                                b Naved-ul-Hasan      13  18  16  3 0

2. ML Hayden                                b Danish Kaneria      26  88  57  5 0

3.*RT Ponting                               b Naved-ul-Hasan     207 491 333 30 0

4. DR Martyn             st Kamran Akmal    b Danish Kaneria      67 161 134  8 0

5. MJ Clarke             st Kamran Akmal    b Danish Kaneria      35  57  50  5 1

6.+AC Gilchrist          st Kamran Akmal    b Danish Kaneria     113 139 120 14 5

7. SR Watson             c Mohammad Asif    b Danish Kaneria      31  72  62  4 0

8. SK Warne              c Younis Khan      b Danish Kaneria      16  43  26  1 1

9. JN Gillespie          lbw                b Naved-ul-Hasan       0   6   2  0 0

10.GD McGrath            c Yousuf Youhana   b Danish Kaneria       9  14  11  1 0

11.SCG MacGill           not out                                   9  10  10  2 0

Extras                   (b 6, lb 13, w 3, nb 20)                 42

Total                    (all out, 133.3 overs, 554 mins)        568

Now, most of you should spot 568 as being a decent total. Enthusiasts will be impressed by Ponting's 207, Gilchrist's 113 (with 5 sixes) and Danish Kaneria's 7 wickets. The more advanced out there would raise an eyebrow at 42 extras. But the experts would have seen this:

10.GD McGrath c Yousuf Youhana b Danish Kaneria 9 14 11 1 0

Yes, Glenn McGrath was the number 10 batsman. Congratulations, Pidgeon, on your promotion. You were unlucky today to be caught at deep mid-wicket, but keep at it. The number 9 slot beckons.

Pooh goes Apeshit

2005-01-03T13:45:00.000+11:00

I don't actually remember reading this story when I was a youngster. Ooo that naughty Rabbit.

Bakhtiyari Update

2005-01-03T13:13:00.000+11:00

The Age this morning reported that they had gone 'missing', but as it turns out there were merely problems with the commercial flights from Bankok:

"After a delayed arrival in Pakistan caused by changed airline timetables, the family arrived in Pakistan early yesterday Australian time," Senator Vanstone said in a statement.

"This concludes the process for the Bakhtiyari family," she said.

Actually, it shouldn't be concluded yet, Senator. Surely there's the resettling process to go through. Remember what you said last week?

She insisted that the Bakhtiyaris "won't be simply dropped in Pakistan".

So, perhaps you'd like to share with all of us your intentions. What are you doing that qualifies you to say you are not simply dropping them in Pakistan. After four years in Australia, the next few months are important for the Bakhtiyaris in their new home, particularly since Roqia Bakhtiyari is three months pregnant. I trust your staff actually passed that on to you - it would be a bit embarrassing having to pull out the old "I was not informed" line again.

The Bakhtiyaris

2005-01-01T23:30:00.000+11:00

Well, I've been following this reasonably closely. They claim to be Afghans, yet this has been difficult to prove (see Russell Skelton's work here). The government claims they are from Pakistan, yet the evidence for this is equally flimsy (see Bob Ellis's opinion, reprinted here). Of course, they must come from somewhere. I suspect they have resorted (unnecessarily) to underhanded tactics in an attempt to give their claims a boost. Remember them applying for refugee status at the British consulate in Melbourne? A publicity stunt that was never going to work. Skelton himself points out: "For the record, I have never asserted that the Bakhtiyaris are Pakistanis. In years of researching and exploring their claims, I have never made a definitive statement about their nationality, and there is good reason for that."
Nonetheless, the government have caught them out on some of their more unprovable claims, and said, "Well, since part of their story is untrue, therefore it's all untrue." Which doesn't necessarily follow, of course. What also shouldn't follow is the government being underhanded. Whisking them away in the small hours of the morning is simply ridiculous. Some choice quotes:

"The timing of the family's departure was determined by the availability of the charter aircraft and transfer arrangements en route," she [Amanda Vanstone] said.

Crap. Availability, my arse. It's a charter plane. It's available when you charter it.

The Government will now seek at least a million dollars from the family to cover the cost of their detention and the many legal challenges.

Where are they sending their demands? Pakistan? Or Afghanistan?

Senator Vanstone said the Government could not guarantee that the family would be assured entry into Pakistan on arrival...

because, remember, there isn't evidence that they are in fact from Pakistan,

... but was making forward travel arrangements in consultation with the family.

Would this forward travel be via Kabul or Qandahar, perchance?

There is also the question of timing. I sincerely hope that the decision to deport them at christmas was not made in order to avoid parliamentary scrutiny. I also sincerely hope that the decision to act so swiftly was not made simply because the eyes of the front-page headline media are elsewhere. There is, of course, no proof that this would/did happen. But if you're out there, and you think you can use a bigger tragedy to hide your own dirty work, then I wish you all the karma you deserve.

Punkarella

2005-01-01T23:01:00.000+11:00

What on earth has Tim Rogers done? Apparently he got a bit fed up during his set at the Marion Bay half of the Falls Festival, threw his guitar, stormed through a fellow You Am I member, and had an 'altercation' that left Missy Higgins upset, all because he'd had a few drinks the night before. I'm not exactly going to suggest that Tim should clean up his act and set an example to the kids (that just wouldn't be You Am I) but surely after 14-odd years of the rock and roll lifestyle he can do a show with a hangover and cayy it off?

Can anyone report from the frontline? What really happened here?

Well, I was going to post today...

2004-12-31T14:09:00.000+11:00

... but I've got out of work early, it's 2pm, 32 degrees outside and there's a party to be had this evening. I'll be buggered if I'm going to waste a lovely afternoon on all the depressing news. If you want to read about the devastation in Asia, see Darp. The Bakhtiyaris? Evan sums up my feelings nicely (with some help from Bob Ellis). I'm getting out and enjoying myself. Maybe I'll get the new Sarah Blasko album.

Have a happy and safe new year.

Music Review

2004-12-30T01:37:00.000+11:00

Have just got home from the Corner Hotel where I saw Clare Bowditch and the Feeding Set. I'd got there a bit early, because I'd heard good things about Hayden, (who lived up to the reputation) and was keeping my eyes open and spotted a rather attractive girl that I probably would have gone up and chatted to if I was unattached (hello to my Lady Friend if she's reading). Of course, she turned out to be Clare Bowditch, and was incredibly seductive throughout her set, also announcing that she's off to play at the Falls Festival, and her set is in Marion Bay in about ten hours. So if you're at Falls, and you find Clare a bit disappointing, it's because she's still wearing the clothes she performed in on Wednesday night (the black tights, black mini, black tight top and red singlet - damn that girl is hot).

Bad Service.

2004-12-29T18:03:00.000+11:00

So it's Boxing Day Holiday, my fourth consecutive day away from the 9 to 5, and I'm kicking around in the morning with nothing to do. The washings done, and there's no point in starting any other domestic stuff because I'm meeting my lady friend at about 2 in an unnamed south-eastern suburb of Melbourne. So, I figure I'll at least head down that way a bit early, and just relax and bide my time at a cafe for a bit. A latte, some light lunch, and the age spread out and barely under control on the table. I originally head for the Turtle Bean Cafe, it's a pretty good place my brother used to work at, down the road from chadstone, and closed for the christmas period. So I head in to the central Oakleigh area, and randomly pick the tapas bar. If you're in Oakleigh some time, you'll find it. Don't go there. I sit down at around 1-ish. I have an hour. I flick through Beat magazine quietly waiting for service and a menu. They're not full, but perhaps a bit busy, so I don't complain about a 5 minute wait. Or a 15 minute wait. I put down Beat magazine and find a copy of last week's Beat. At 1:35 a passing waitress asks if I would like a drink. A pot of hot water with a tea bag in it (decide for yourself if this is worth $2.70) is dumped on my table 5 minutes later by a waitress who recedes before I can thank her and ask for a menu. There is no further contact with the hired help until I walk up to pay at 2:05.
I was going to review the food at this restaurant, but I didn't get any. Had to grab some take away on the road. I've seen some fairly average service in my time, but can anyone top that?

Eh?

2004-12-28T11:32:00.000+11:00

Finally, evidence that you can make a conspiracy out of anything. From www.planetwaves.net:

In 10 years, will we remember that the day after Christmas 2004, in the midst of the Cancer Full Moon, the most devastating earthquake in decades came on the day that Viktor Yuschenko won the Ukranian election? Without resorting to superstition, is it possible to make a connection between the two events?

Okay. Now read that again, just to take it in slowly. "In the midst of a Cancer full moon ... Without resorting to superstition..."

Congratulations to Vikki Y, by the way, even if he did use some unorthodox campaign strategies.

Priorities

2004-12-28T11:23:00.000+11:00

The US have promised $US15 million on aid in the areas affected by earthquakes and tsunamis.
$US144,400 million was allocated to the invasion of Iraq (and they ran out of that in no time).
Madness.

UPDATE:
$US350million. Much better.

Dirty Hearts...

2004-12-27T15:36:00.000+11:00

Honestly, I dropped enough hints. I had to brave the christmas sales in the city today to buy the Dallas Crane album. Surely someone in my family could have worked it out? So, now I am completely exhausted from the massive herd of shopping-cattle in JB, but am gleefully listening to 'Ladybird' for the third time running as I work out how to use this strange new blog thing. What does this "Publish Post" button do?