The Wedding

Yes, I know. Haven't blogged in a week and a half. And you're all dying to hear of the wedding of the year. So here we go...

The following events occurred:

The bride began preparations at six a.m., a full six hours before the actual kick-off. The bridesmaids gathered at 7. Despite this, they were still frantically rushed at the last minute.

The groom, and groomsmen, gathered (separately) at ten. Already dressed. We sat around, had a quiet beer to start off with. Read the paper. Did the crossword. Made small talk. Chuckled when the groom's mother managed to wedge her stiletto heel down a gap between the boards of the back deck.



The civil celebrant caught her fingers in her car door before the ceremony, and was profusely bleeding. It was tied up with band-aids, and the show went on. She then departed hurriedly for a hospital to get six stitches in her little finger.

Extra clauses were tacked on to the end of the groom's vows. As I remember them: "I promise to put the dirty washing in the basket, and not on the floor in front of it. I promise to keep my blogging and technology fetish to an acceptable level. I also promise to buy flowers once a week, as there is bound to be something I have done for which I should apologise."

Extra clauses were also added to the bride's vows, although I'm not as certain of those. I think they were keeping the dining table clear of paperwork, and preventing the spread of curios, knickknacks and assorted useless objects around the house.

The groom tried to put the ring on the wrong finger. ("No, the other left hand.")

The best man was heard to say, "Wait a minute. This isn't Mendelssohn." as the bridal party left the ceremony to the Star Wars procession theme.

The bridal waltz was 'Moondance'


The bride's father made a beautiful and moving speech. The groom's father made up something on the spur of the moment and kind of got away with it. The best man made an okay speech, except when toasting the bridesmaids, when I couldn't quite find the right word, and ended up describing them as 'spiffy'. The groom then made a speech which toasted almost everybody in the room and quite a few others as well, and forgot to toast the best man (not that I'm bitter).



Warmest congratulations, Mr and Mrs Lefty.

Joyriding

Well, some of you are here to hear all about the wedding of the year. I'll post about that on Wednesday (probably), but for now I couldn't go past this:

An Elwood teenager has been taken to the Boroondara police station for questioning after tramway controllers tracked a stolen tram, capable of carrying 145 passengers and travelling at 70 km/h, from St Kilda to Kew before cutting power to network.

Police spokeswoman Carla Coslovich said last night the tram was stolen from the Southbank depot about 8.50pm.

Yarra Trams spokesman Colin Tyrus said the company's new Fleet Operations Centre in South Melbourne tracked the tram up Glenferrie Road before power was cut, stopping it in its tracks.

"We think he must have gone down the light rail to St Kilda, then around past Luna Park, to Balaclava Road, into Hawthorn Road, right at Dandenong Road, left into Glenferrie Road," Mr Tyrus said. Police then boarded the tram at the corner of Glenferrie Road and Wellington Street about 9.30pm.

Last night's theft of an ultra-modern Alstom Citadis tram, was the second from the same depot in two days.

Mr Tyrus said a key and a knowledge of the controls were needed to operate the tram, one of 31 ordered for a total of $100 million in 2001

This is exactly the sort of thing that Victoria's new anti-hooning legislation was designed to prevent. The 15-year-old's tram has now been impounded after several Glenferrie residents complained to police that tram drivers were performing 'donuts', and generally being a menace to traffic, pedestrians, and public transport users.



Seriously though, this kid did it twice. He stole one on Friday night just for a test drive - South Melbourne to Port Melbourne and back - to work out the "complicated braking system". And then on Sunday took another one with keys stolen from the Box Hill depot three weeks ago. He'd been driving it for about half an hour - collecting and transporting passengers - when staff from Yarra Trams' control centre called police. Shortly afterwards, power was cut to the network and the boy was arrested at gunpoint (because, of course, he's a terrorist wanting to fly the tram into the Rialto). Police haven't yet commented on the arrest, although they did say the boy admitted his obsession with trams during an interview.

Although he stressed the potential serious consequences of the theft, Senior Constable Hills said the boy should not abandon his dream of being a tram driver. "I believe that if he stays on the straight and narrow then it's certainly not going to affect his future," he said.

I'll believe that when I see it.

Why I'm going on holidays (pt 3)

All right, all right. Here is the rest of the holiday story.

(Note: here is part 1, and here is part 2. Get up to speed, and when you're ready, read on).

So. Dessert's on its way out, and other brother and I are about to head off to hockey training. We mention this. Twice. Then he realises what he really ought to have mentioned.

"Oh, yeah. Didn't tell you the best news." Spreads hands on table. "Got married."

Screeching from Mum, screeching from Nana, stunned silence from Dad, and I swear I heard Grandma say "Heaven's to Betsy," which I didn't think was a real phrase.

And so everyone finds out that they've been married for 6 months without anyone else knowing. My sister-in-law goes through the process of getting an immigration visa so she can live with her husband in Australia, which is a breeze if you've got a spare 9 or 10 months up your sleeve. And they've lived in Melbourne for a couple of years. It turns out to be a bit harder on her than they thought (or something - I don't actually know the full story, but it might be career related), and so they are resettling in the US. She's already over there, finding a house, finding a job, that sort of thing. He's in the process of getting his immigration visa, which is also a breeze if you've got a spare 9 or 10 months up your sleeve. And so they're off to live in Michigan, where she's originally from. Although it turns out that she's tired of Lansing, and has decided that Burlington, Vermont is much more appropriate. I asked my brother why Burlington, and he just shrugged and said "I dunno, it's her idea." Apparently its only temporary, a year or two at most. Then they move to Seattle. I asked my brother why Seattle, and he just shrugged again and said "I dunno, it's her idea."

I think I have a very strange sister-in-law.

Anyway, the point is that I thought it would be nice to see him for his birthday. So come September I'm going to be overseas. The whole holiday is based on the fact that I have to be in Vermont on Friday the 30th of September. The other 5 weeks and 6 days have to be organised around that. For a while I thought that was going to be Grand Final weekend, but that turns out to be a week earlier. Which is a shame, because we could've done some real damage to ourselves. The game would have started at about midnight that night, and we're sure we could have found a pub willing to broadcast/webcast it live for us. Maybe I'll have to get there a week earlier. I've already got a vague itinerary worked out but that's another post...

Busy week

Yes, I know that at least one of you is waiting for the rest of the holiday post, but that's my back-up plan B blog post when I've nothing else to write about. And so much has happened since then...

My car caught fire.
I drive a 1984 Honda Civic, and one of the hoses had split. This was then leaking fluid, and under pressure the fluid would spray around over the engine. Which gets a bit hot from time to time, and you get a small fire on the outside of the engine as it burns away. Not that you know this at the time, of course. All you know is that despite being only a few hundred metres from where you live you can't get there because you're on Punt Rd on a Sunday arvo and traffic's a nightmare because Hawthorn are playing Richmond at the MCG and there's smoke leaking out from under the bonnet.

I got it serviced last Tuesday, and it's all good now.

I had five needles stuck in me on Thursday.
And another three yesterday. My physio thinks the best way to treat my right shoulder is to acupuncture the left side of my spine (Thursday). Or the right side of the spine (Monday). I go along with it, partly because she speaks with a thick Scottish accent and I can't understand what she's saying, and partly because she's pretty hot. If she picks something else again next Monday, I think I'll find another physio.

We rehearsed a wedding.
You'll be standing here. No, in an arc. Another step forward. That's right. Now the bridesmaids walk in. And then the maid of honour. You'll be throwing the petals, remember? Don't lose your balance there. Now the bride. Hold your father's arm. No, you hold his arm, not the other way around. And smile for the photographer. Up to here. Up one step. That's it. The father takes the veil off. Yes, he does. Don't forget to smile for the photographer. And who's doing the readings? Well, they do them now. Then you follow my lead. Do you have the rings? No, I know you don't have them *now* but this is where you will have them. Won't you. Don't forget them. And then we step in here, all of you. You sign here, and you sign here. In the registry book. It's not there now but it will be. And smile for the photographer. Now step away and you two step in and sign here and here. Because you're the witnesses, that's why. Don't forget to smile for the photographer. Then walk back out. Stick close or you'll get mobbed. Yes, you will, there'll be a grandmother or an aunt or someone and they all want to say something. And don't forget to smile for the photographer.

And don't forget the rings.

I saw some television.
Because normally I don't. Ever. But I was out at a pub last night and there was one in the corner. You couldn't hear it, but it was Who wants to be a Millionaire? so you're probably better off just reading the questions without having to listen to Eddie's vacuous drivel. Now I know the first 5 or so questions are supposed to be easy, but how's this one: For $800, what is not a part of a popular two player game?

A) Rock

B) Paper

C) Scissors

or...

D) Particle accelerator.

And that's why I don't watch television.

Oh, and a big word up to the guy I half heard on the radio today talking about the use of human growth hormones, describing them as a "growth" industry. Which I guess you can't really argue with.

Music Review (2)

Know what I'm loving right now?



The Wrights are a 'supergroup', but a good one. Members have been plucked from some of Australia's finest young(-ish) rock acts. And I mean rock. None of this Australian Idol rubbish. No Kylie. No Delta. Not even a Felix Riebl or a John Butler. We do, however, have members of the following bands:
Nic Cester (and Chris Cester) from Jet
Bernard Fanning from Powderfinger
Chris Cheney from The Living End
Davey Lane from You Am I
Phil Jamieson from Grinspoon
Kram from Spiderbait
Pat Bourke from Dallas Crane
as well as some of the production team behind the original Stevie Wright album, Hard Road. And they have put together a pumped up, rocked up, strung out, thumping good version of Evie parts 1, 2 & 3

Damn it's a good song.

Comedy Review (2)

Something I forgot to mention in the last post...

A handy tip for anyone rocking down to see a big show at the last minute: If the Town Hall ticket sellers say the show is booked out, go and check if the venue has any 'house tickets'. We did, and found prime seats in row G, slap bang in the centre of the Athanaeum Theatre.

And never ever turn up to a comedy show late. The three ladies who walked in 15 minutes into the show would have had absolutely no idea what was going on.

Comedy review

Well, didn't get to see Tripod in the end, my Lady Friend and I preferring a nap at home for an hour as we were both fatigued from our respective busy days. But we did get to see Ross Noble, who was very good value, not least because he ranted on for two and a half hours, whereas most shows max out after an hour. And was very funny. Even his gags about the pope didn't cross the line into tastelessness (although others might disagree).

Stay tuned for more reviews as my brother (the one moving to the US) and I see the Umbilical Brothers and Rich Hall tonight - if I can persuade him to part with what's left of his Australian currency.